Year in Review

January: Interviewed for current job and accepted offer after seeing church sign that said "Take this job and enjoy it." (Remember this) Talked to every moving company imaginable before driving my own freaking U-Haul. Vowed to not move again for a few years. Found hilariously small apartment to live in.

February: Annoying boy bought me milk which at the time was suffocating beyond belief but quickly became the fodder for many a joke. This episode came along with a four page, typed letter about the gloriousness of my lips, smell and overall aura.

March: Molly the Mustang was buried under snow. Had a ball in New York, went to Avenue Q the most hilarious puppet show ever. Went to LA where our keynote speaker's speech was interrupted by her cell phone ring "Since you've been gone..." by Kelly Clarkson.

April: Went to emergency room where nurse screwed up my IV and I spurted blood all over my sheets. After nurse shift change, they lost my jar of pee. It all would have been better if I were in an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Later that month, had a night like this: "We could have just done shots of vodka, and it would have tasted better than this." Went to San Francisco.

May: Became a celebrity at Starbucks. Had a tube shoved down my throat. Said goodbye to MK.

June: Bosses got fired. Rachel turned 21, threw up in a cab and woke up still drunk. Attempted to save lives by giving blood but rejected because of lack of iron.

July: Spent a week in a frantic mess with high school kids. Reached 21-mile mark in my rollerblade training. Was accused of being anorexic by my new boss I had just met.

August: Went to DC. Began to hate my boss to the point I hated coming to work. Started doing new part of my job which I had no idea what to do. Rollerbladed marathon in 2:06.

September: Went to St. Louis, Philly and Nashville for meetings. Was so busy I forgot to breathe occasionally.

October: Really, really, really busy. Convinced Detroit Tigers manager to give me tickets to the World Series. AWESOME. Visited Haley in NC and drank a lot of sweet tea. Lost eight pounds in a week.

November: Turned 24. Watched the Dems win everything. Went to Nashville, found more reasons to hate my job. Cried a lot. Spent Thanksgiving in Mexico and got some perspective on life.

December: Went to Portland for meetings. Rest of the month was a blur except for black X's counting down days on my calendar. Determined that "take this job and enjoy it" time had passed.

I had a dream...

After struggling to fall asleep last night for hours, I was rudely awakened by my alarm in the middle of a dream. I was at a museum type place where Thomas Jefferson resided. Not a portrait of him or pictures of the slave he slept with, but the actual Thomas Jefferson. The man.

Naturally, I wanted to meet him. Wouldn't you? His assistant told me that he rarely agrees to meet with people anymore because he's so old. But after hearing about my First Amendment court case, he agreed to meet me! I went into a room and there sat Thomas Jefferson, white wig and in a wheelchair. It gets a little fuzzy but his quote about having a free press rather than the government if he had to choose was part of our conversation. At one point I was crying, and he was hugging me.

I am impressed with my subconcious mind to link the First Amendment, Jefferson and a popular quote. However, beyond the analogy that I am more intelligent than I thought, I've got nothing.

However, I did learn one of my friends was Thomas Jefferson in a previous life or so her eighth-grade soul told her.

Thus concludes the weirdest morning ever.

Take out the trash

Whenever I stay past 5 p.m. at work, the trash guy comes to empty my overflowing trash can. At first I said "hi" or "thanks," but after he never responded, I stopped. Instead, I have to concentrate on my computer screen, which today was being extremely interested in the 10-day forecast. I imagine if we actually did have a conversation it'd go something like this:

Me: "Thanks for cleaning up after me."

Trash man: "No problem. I get paid a whole six bucks to pick up your waste."

Me: "Yeah..sorry that I am too lazy to break down those boxes so that you actually have to balance them on top of the can as you roll down the hall."

TM: "It's actually more annoying when you drink 3/4 of a can of 7Up and then throw it away and it ends up spilling all over my snazzy uniform."

Me: "You think that's bad? How do you feel about the Lean Cuisines that not only spill but smell like teriyaki."

TM: "Yum, teriyaki."

Me: "Same place, same time tomorrow? "

TM: "Like I have a choice."

I love the doctor's office

Nurse: "You're having symptoms?"

Me: "I was in Mexico last week, and I've been getting sicker since I got back so I just wanted to see if I should come in yet."

Nurse: "Oh, so you think maybe you're having a reaction to a medicine?"

Me: "What? No."

A different kind of Thanksgiving

Train of thought

What I thought about today:

"Nope, not getting up."

"Ugh, how late could I call into work? 10, 10 sounds good. I'll email."

"Why am I always so tired?"

"Why do I never do laundry but still have clothes to wear? I should give some to poor kids."

"I could use my gift certificates to Express and Banana Republic and give MORE clothes to poor kids."

"I wonder why my boss is too tired to come to work but I have to drag my ass here."

"I had toast this morning, instant cappucino crap, this pizza Lean Cuisine is 400 calories...yeah, I don't care."

"Yes, I am still mad about that. I need a new job."

"I really don't like Indesign because you can't hold down the apple key and click and slide the page. I am sure there is a way to do it but I am too stubborn to find out. Bring back Quark!"

"Nov. 17 already? Really?"

"Do I want sushi tonight or Sunday? Rachel is making me pick the main dish for Saturday's dinner. I am going to marry a chef."

"If I live in NYC, could I have someone do my laundry. No, I'd be too poor. But, would I rather have clean laundry or cable?"

"When am I going to tell someone that the ethernet port on my new laptop is broken. Hmm, not today."

Yay, Dems!

As you all can see, mainly someone's brother, my Democrats are far superior to your gun-toting, gay-hatin' Repubs.

Why I love election season

- The Green party sign: Since late last week, there are people standing on the corner of my block with a massive cardboard sign that says "Support the Green Party." No candidate specifically just general support. Man, I hope they take the Senate!

- Live from New York... It's the Daily Show. Live! Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert!

- Minneapolis Mayor Rybak called my cell phone this weekend urging me to vote for..someone. Surely a Democrat. He talked to me like we were buddies though. I have expected him to end the convo with "peace out" but I hung up before he could get to that point.

- Campaign ads: This is the first time I have lived in a contentious state during election season. I can't get enough of the TV ads which inform me that every candidate running for office is a lying sack of shit and should be burning in the fires of hell. Vote, Tuesday!

- Predictions: I eat them up. I listened to NPR all day. Last night I watched two people fighting on MSNBC about whether the Dems would take five seats or four. They need six, so I have no idea why it even matters if they get less than that. My prediction? Dems will take every Senate seat up for grabs and there will be so much cutting and running Fox News will actually implode.

Funny baby

Rarely do I think children are funny, but OH MY GOD this is hilarious:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk

On turning 24

I'm OK with 24, but the fact my next birthday is 25 is not really OK with me because I think that's the first birthday where I will feel older. Last night I went to happy hour and bowling with friends. Interesting combination. My first score was a studly 129. A couple of beers and tequila shots later, my second game's score was 61. Whoops... I woke up at 2:15 a.m. laying halfway on my bed, fully clothed and paranoid that my car had been towed. So, I got up to change to pajamas, brush my teeth and check on my car which is parked in a bar (not the one I actually was at) parking lot behind my apartment.

This morning I had to force myself to go to work completely hungover and three hours later choke down flour-less chocolate cake with my co-workers. Just what an alcohol-damanged stomach needs - a crap ton of fudge.

In conclusion, 24 must not be the age where I become a responsible adult.

Ouch

My feet hurt.

Shoes

For my week long trip I had to pack a suitcase of clothes and a bag of shoes. I rarely even pack enough clothes so having to pack two bags is annoying to me. Usually I get to my destination and realize I cannot count how many days I will be gone and therefore pack for a weekend when I am staying a month.

This time though, due to the fact I will be walking miles around a hotel everyday, had to pack different shoes for everyday. Each pair gives me a blister in a different place. Walking in heels is warfare.

Dressing up is good for me, though. My patience meter for people ordering me around and talking to me like I am four is an unstable two when I am wearing jeans but jumps to an eight when I have on a suit. Oh the mysteries of life.

Lyrics of the week

After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought
Maybe I'll go travelling for a year
Finding myself, or start a career
Could work the poor, though I'm hungry for fame
We all seem so different but we're just the same
Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat
Aren't things more easy, with a tight six pack
Who knows the answers, who do you trust
I can't even seperate love from lust
Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans
Working nine to five, answering phones
But don't make me live for Friday nights
Drinking eight pints and getting in fights
Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that's enough
There surely must be more
Love ain't the answer, nor is work
The truth elludes me so much it hurts
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me

Beach bum

Pictures from North Carolina:

This is the lake we went paddle boating on. Very pretty! Alligators too, but luckily they didn't eat me.


Yes, I am wearing a jacket, but the water was warm!

Someone's fault

I appreciate taxes that help other people. But damnit, I don't want to pay them.

Minnesota has all these crazy rules for auto insurance all of which is costing me about $300 more every six months than my Kansas car insurance. Unfortunately, my car insurance company found out that indeed I do not live in sunny Kansas but instead in traffic-crazed, icy road Minnesota.

I have to pay for underinsured and uninsured drivers, no-fault insurance plus everything else including the fact I live in a big city, don't take the bus and park outside on the street. Oh yeah, and I drive a "muscle" car and am young. They care only a little that I have never been in a car accident or gotten more than a parking ticket.

It's nice Minnesota is such a progressive state. I enjoy the prevalance of a third, sometimes fourth political party, the organic grocery stores and no tax on food or clothes. I, however, am not amused that I have to pay for idiots that don't bother to get insurance or decide to run me over with their cars. Also not amused by the fact I am being punished for not wanting to live in the suburbs and be surrounded by Olive Gardens and Kmarts.

Step one: Get rid of Mustang.

Step two: Move.

Southern relaxation

I'm in Wilmington, North Carolina aka Dawson's Creek central. I love this area of the country. So many trees, so green and so close to the ocean.

For the first time this week, I am headache and frantic free. Further proof that working a job is unhealthy, and I would be much happier just being a beach bum.

Plans for the weekend are to see sights from movies filmed here (it's called Hollywood East), eat lots of seafood, look longingly at the beach in the rain, shop, sleep in and enjoy a girls' weekend. And if I have to fly all the way to the South to get a weekend like this, I will.

Plus, if I say Louisville the right way here, they don't look at me funny. I originated as a Southern girl, after all.

At least I am not..

Dennis Hastert.

What's in a nickname?

Names I have been called by people I work "for:"

- Kiddo

- Buddy

- Girl

- Dear

And that was just this morning. Unfortunately I am not a 4-year-old. But man, I wish I was.

The Women of Philadelphia

I'm in line at Starbucks this morning, which is in the lobby of my hotel, and this man/woman is behind me talking about Jerry Lewis and doing a strip tease in the middle of the night because she was too hot in her hotel room. She has a voice that makes it completely unable to distinguish if she's man or woman.

I finally can turn around to look when I get up to order my mocha and she is wearing red plaid pajama pants, a black faded t-shirt, extremely damaged blond hair that goes past her shoulders and looks as if she has neglected to brush it for months, unisex glasses and a weird face. Add all this to the weird voice.

As I am waiting for my drink, Josh II (Josh is my Starbucks pal in Minneapolis, not his real name, or could be, who knows?) catches me staring at this woman as she deeply chatters away. He says "hey, how are you today?" with this big I-caught-you grin on his face. I start laughing and say "oh good..." He goes back to making his drinks with a huge grin on his face as well as a head shake and laugh occasionally with a glance at me.

Note: While all this is happening, I am definitely wearing polka dot flip flops, navy pajama pants that could probably pass for daytime pants, a K-State windbreaker, no makeup and unbrushed hair. It remains to be seen whether Josh II was thinking "that girl looks like she just rolled out of bed and came to the lobby for wireless internet, who is she to judge" or whether he thought I was cute and hillllarious.

Room with a view

Here's the view from my hotel room balcony. It's looking inside to the Cascades area which is just a very small section of the hotel. The large indoor area is in the Delta section of the hotel which has actual buildings inside the building. There is a food court area, "outdoor" Italian restaurant, a river with boat ride.

Perhaps I will take more pictures later if I stop being lazy.

Moving on up

Our case was accepted by the U.S. Court of Appeals. Oral arguments in November. Yay!

What happens when I get stressed

1. Lose my car. Not my keys, my car. Yesterday I had a meeting and had to park in this massive underground parking ramp. I knew I was on Level E. Yet, it took me a good 10 minutes to find where on Level E my car was.

2. I wake up wanting to vomit and continue this feeling til about 3 p.m. It's called, I probably I have Crohn's but no one will diagnose me with anything but "well..."

3. Write excessively in my planner including things like my flight numbers. Why would I ever need to know my flight numbers?

4. Start taking pills like my chemo pills, Tylenol PM or cocaine.

5. Talking myself out of going to the gym or sleep through my alarm that's waking me up to go to the gym.

6. Begin living in a pigsty, wearing clothes I hate because the ones that are OK are dirty and eating things that only come in plastic cups like pudding or jello because I don't want to do dishes.

7. Wear tennis shoes, jeans and sweatshirts. Note: Sweatshirts. Stupid Minnesota.

Why I would prefer to work with polar bears

1. Polar bears do not bitch, moan or complain even though I think they have plenty of reason to seeing as how they live in the Artic.

2. They understand the concept of tranferring to voicemail if someone is not at their desk. They do not take messages on paper mainly because their massive paws prevent them from writing so they are forced to just hit the transfer button.

3. Since they are unable to do anything but pace in circles (assuming they live in a zoo) or swim in ice cold water, they think you're a goddess for doing all that you do.

4. They could growl with me for necessary stress relief.

5. They could eat the construction men that are tearing up the parking lot five feet from my window, rattling the windows and floors causing nausea.

Five years

Five years ago today I was taking a test in my 8:05 Intro to Mass Communications class in Waters Hall. I was a freshman in college. I took the test and since I got out early, Nicole and I went to the Union to get breakfast and saw everyone crowded around TVs. I saw some Collegian reporters starting to arrive, asking questions. I went back to my dorm only to return immediately to the newsroom to spend the day copy editing and helping with a timeline. I emailed my mom and told her it was "crazy" around here.

I watched TV for days. I cried about a week later while I was driving around listening to the radio. I didn't know anyone in New York and didn't even know anyone who knew someone affected by it directly.

Today, I am in Saint Louis for a business meeting. I flew this morning, at a time five years ago when the towers were collasping, and the only notable changes were I had to take off my shoes, there are more cops, and I had to throw away my lip gloss. I was nervous before I flew but only because it was the anniversary. I have flown on dozens of planes in the last five years and never flinched. I can't really remember anymore what it was like when "9/11" wasn't a buzz word, and CNN actually reported on news that wasn't related to terrorism.

It's my generation's unifying event. But yes, I am sick of hearing about it. I am sick of the war. I am sick of reading "how we have changed" articles. I am sick of politicans fighting about the memorial. I am sick of it.

But that doesn't mean when I read the NY Times "Portraits of Grief" updates this morning that I didn't cry while sitting in the back of an airplane.

Funny WTC ads

http://copyranter.blogspot.com/2006/09/who-cares-where-we-were.html

"Yeah, I was at the gym, and it was the first time EVER that I benchpressed 225, so it was like I KNEW something big was happening. I've never been able to get 225 again. Man, I'll always remember that rep—and, yeah, also those 3,000 dead people."

Something I do like about the Midwest

This morning I went to the gourmet grocery store to get the cake for my co-worker's birthday. While standing in line to check out, an employee came by, noticed my cake was blank and said "Oh, honey, let me have someone write on that for you!" She walked back to the bakery with me, got someone to write Happy Birthday on it and then walked back to the front with me to open a new register and check me out.

Then I went to Starbucks and the employees were talking in Southern accents and joked with me about how I picked the wrong day to come there because they were all being weird. They were actually enjoying their job and on my way out they all smiled and said have a nice day.

There are nice people everywhere but we seem to breed more of them in the middle of the country.

I will still love Thursday despite all this

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. It has the anticipation of Friday but not quite the urgency of Friday when there is no tomorrow to get work done. However, it seems that the stupidest people have decided to attempt to ruin my perfect day, and I just can't let that happen.

I have had this phone call greeting at least ten times today:

"This is Sarah"
"Sarah"
"Yep, this is Sarah"

RIDICULOUS.

Also this email strain:

Email #1 from Bob: When will the awards be announced?
Email #2 from me: On this date
Email #3 from George replying to MY email: When will the awards be announced?

Also I have to buy a cake for tomorrow for a co-worker's birthday. When I am the most motherly figure in the office who remembers these things, there has to be serious problems considering I once made a list of reasons to have children which included tax breaks and someone to do the chores.

10 minutes ago...

Guys in car smoking: "Hey there, can you tell us how to get to Hennepin Avenue?"

Me: "Yeah, two blocks that way."

Guy #1: "You have a nice car."

Me: " I know, I like it, too."

Guy #2: "My buddy wants to know where in your pants street is."

Me: "We don't have streets like that around here."

Guy #1: "How about panties (giggle, giggle)"

Me: "Have a nice night alone."

Character flaws

According to the ever so trustworthy Wikipedia: A character flaw is a limitation, imperfection, problem, phobia, or deficiency present in a character who may be otherwise very functional.

Because my workplace environment is driving me into a self-deprecating mood, here are my character flaws:

1. Antsyness - I am always antsy. Especially on gray, rainy Fridays. I am continually in a state of almost content to downright toe-tapping anxious. I want to live on the East Coast. I want to find a job that doesn't frequently involve me wanting to stab myself in the face. I want to have a boyfriend who is obligated to entertain me when I am bored, rub my feet when they hurt after skating and make me dinner when everything in my fridge looks gross. Also, I could use a new car.

2. Fidgetyness - Probably because of No. 1. However, right now I am twirling my flip-flop on the my big toe while kicking the other foot back and forth under my desk, sucking on my Smart Water bottle and ever so often squeezing Marvin the Martian stress man to death. I also highlight everything when I read it online, but usually not the words I am actually reading. Sometimes to prevent my fidgeting, I sit on my right leg, which also has the added benefit of making me taller. I also cut up things if scissors are in sight, tear apart styrofoam cups or rip paper into shreds.

3. Sunlight - I need it. If I don't get it, I am driven to write blogs like this. Why God didn't just drop me on the equator I will never figure out. Maybe it's the whole AIDS, famine thing.

4. Eye rolling - I can't help it. My eyes have a mind of their own. They just roll around like they are in a big jar.

5. Ignoring - When things get too complicated, I ignore them and pretend they either aren't happening or that I really don't care. Not big important things but just annoying small things with friends, boys or life. It probably makes me a little absent from the real world but if I hold out long enough and ignore it, it either goes away or is no longer worth thinking about. Like how I just stop answering my phone when certain names pop up or block email addresses from my account. This routinely happens when I get suffocated like for example if someone was to try and buy me milk.

Proof

See, I really did it. I swear!

A Real Marathoner

My goal going into the St. Paul inline skating marathon (26.2 miles) was first to finish and then second to get under three hours. I had done 21 miles in a little more than two hours.

Starting out I ate a Cliff bar right before which made me really antsy. I started right before 8 a.m. in Open Wave 2. The first part was the hardest and there were several gradual inclines that made it harder especially since they were in areas that there were no cheering spectators, which makes a huge difference. I did see a wheel on the side of the road, a few people getting medical attention, heard about several falls and a guy throwing up.

The end was a huge hill that definitely caused some moaning and groaning but my everyone was yelling and ringing cowbells so it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating.

Official time: 2:06. YES!

I went to lunch with my very supportive friends and came home and slept. When I woke up, my whole body was on fire, and I had a huge headache. I am sure it'll be a few days of recovery or maybe a few weeks ... but the next marathon is Sept. 16 in Duluth so my body better heal fast!

Anyway, super cool day and one of the biggest things I've defintely done in awhile.

Recap

Five good things that happened to me this week:
1. Was able to congratulate Jo on her new job.
2. Went to the Guthrie with Edie
3. Found out the Starbucks guy didn't quit.
4. Bought spandex, a helmet and Cliff bars.
5. Made chocolate chip cookies.

Five bad things that happened this week:
1. Hated my boss.
2. A girl died outside my work making me ponder the meaning of life.
3. Hated my boss.
4. Decided I look like a freak in a helmet.
5. Cloudy and rainy for two days, making me fear winter.

Marathon is Sunday morning!

Reg Desk, Part II

Me: "You can pick up a schedule right there?"
Person: "So can I get an itinerary or something?"
Me: "Yeah, right there."

Co-worker: "Ouch. Do you want me to teach you to hit like a girl?"

Boss: "Isn't the auditorium just darling."
Me: "Yeah..really cute."

WOOHOO

TWENTY-ONE miles today in spite of the 100 degree heat index. No, I am not insane just totally awesome. I am doing one more long skate this week or when I get back from DC and then tapering off before the marathon.

New milestone

Up to 15 miles in rollerblading. Only 11 more to go and I've got myself a marathon.

DONE!

Things I learned during this workshop:

- Being in charge is hard work but you get a lot of respect and it's rewarding when it's all over.

- People admire poise, patience and gentle humor.

- Some teenagers are idiots, and some are awesome.

- It's better not to find out about the illegal dorm poker game, the frat party or the mattress smuggling incident.

- Working 14-16 hour days makes me tired, sneezy and headachy.

- You can make people memorize the First Amendment for $20.

- It is possible to get more than 30 phone calls in an hour.

I am going to sleep.

Teenie Weenies

I think I might hate high school kids less than I thought I did. This workshop is awesome and besides a few dumbos and an incident at a frat party, it's been rather calm and not so scary being in charge.

What is overwhelming is learning how to teach when I haven't been really trained and running a huge event. But I am surviving despite this awful cough and sneezing fit I have every five minutes.

Off to teach caption writing...

Bruises

I woke up this morning with my entire right kneecap purple. I would to think it was from moving things around in my big new office this week. Wishful thinking since I went out last night and that's more likely the cause.

We had this deal where we got free food and $2 drinks of any kind for bringing 15 friends. Not only did I somehow destroy my knee but there was a lot of me being twirled around and each time thinking "do that one more time and I will probably throw up.." And, I made out with a guy I met who is a friend of a friend in the middle of the bar. Nice behavior, Sarah.

I am off to go rollerblading and then swimming and then shopping. I LOVE summer.

Why home will always be better

Even though I love Minneapolis and my friends and job there, I hate leaving home. It doesn't always make sense why I have to leave a place where I sleep better, laugh more and generally feel calmer. I am sure not working and eating lots of good food has a lot to do with it, but still.

Reasons why it's hard to leave home:

1. Political discussions that go on for hours and get to the point where someone has to break it up to prevent someone from bursting into tears.

2. Sleeping in my bed and not waking up once during the night from a strange noise, an annoying cat or general unrest.

3. Hanging out with Layne and Chris and seeing how much they have grown as people. Oh, such a proud big sis.

4. Spending the afternoon watching movies with my mom.

5. Laying on the couch with my computer in our completely wireless house.

6. Free laundry.

7. Rock-a-Belly Deli, Acme Gifts, Coco Bolos, El Cazador

8. Holding Nicole's baby who can now laugh and wiggle.

Blood donating failure

I tried to save three lives today and failed.

I wanted to give blood since I am feeling brave and have been poked so much lately that I figured I could get in the habit when I was used to it. Instead, I got a finger poke that hurt and then told my iron levels are waaaay to low for such things as giving away my blood. They gave me some Total cereal and told me to take Flintstone vitamins and come back in a month.

So add anemia to my list of failures. Explains why I want to sleep all the time though.

It just thundered really loud. I am fairly confident it's God striking me down saying "If you would have just eaten more red meat, three people would have been alive today."

Starbucks update

I have cut way down on my Starbucks intake but since I rollerbladed 12 miles last night, and I was still tired this morning I rationalized that I deserved it.

It was pretty busy and I had to give my order to a girl, not my usual guy that teases me about my order. So I order it and then am standing in this huge group of chatty ladies waiting for my drink. Starbucks boy, who I have named Josh just because, starts to call out my drink and sticks his head around all the machines, stops mid-sentence and says loudly, "Haha, I should have known it was you!"

To this comment, every single person in Starbucks turns and looks at me and I just grin and walk out. Half of them thought I was really cool and half were judging me because they think I go to Starbucks every single day and that's the only reason they know me.

Little does that half know, I am just really famous. At Starbucks.

Too old for this

I am too old to be celebrating 21st birthdays. There are too many shots, too much bad dancing and not feeling so great today.



My favorite picture on someone's digital is me laying on the bathroom floor (the bed was just so far) and the birthday girl sitting on top of my legs, puking in the toilet. It was an extremely proud moment.

Things I hate about opening mail

1. Those stupid mailer envelopes that have sawdust instead of bubbles to package the item. Sawdust is not a good idea. There is no way to actually open the envelope without coating yourself in that smell and the little flakes. Saving these for last prevents me from mistakenly assuming I work in a lumber store.

2. Packing peanuts: They stick to your hands so you can't get them off. For awhile, you stand over the trash can clawing at your hand but soon realize the only option is the sink. The peanuts then clog the drain.

3. Envelopes inside envelopes. It's like a funny birthday joke. Yet, not funny. And not my birthday.

4. Pull tabs: Also my favorite thing about opening mail, when they work. Usually however, some dumbface put tape over the tab so the pull tab only pulls halfway forcing you to use scissors thus voiding the pull tab's efforts.

5. The fact I even open mail on a daily basis.

All in a day's work

Remember the Enron scandal?

Corporate fraud, using companies funds for personal advancement, investigations, audits, more audits, terminations, eventual court cases.

Yeah, that happened to me last week. Or rather the company where I am currently employed.

My last three jobs have involved:

1. Me becoming the plaintiff in a federal lawsuit.

2. $50,000 cut from the program I was in charge of and a bunch of angry teens.

3. Embezzlement.

Pretty sure God is telling me to just stop working completely. Either that or I am really good at attracting trouble.

The opposite of music

Today the radio station I listen to on my way home from work had a kazoo contest. Who actually thought this was a good idea?

I have never heard anything more annoying.

Ever.

Road rules

Dear Minneapolis Drivers,

I know we mad the list as the most friendly big city to drive in, but still, we need some improvement. Please, for the love of god, stop ruining my good moods in the morning.

Do not drift into my lane.

If you want to get into my lane either turn on your signal and wait for me to brake to let you in or quickly shove your car in front of mine. Just don't drift slowly over so I have to hang back for a good mile because you are halfway over the line. I can't speed up because I have to wonder if at the moment I pass, will you suddenly decide to make your move? Just get some balls or stay in the freaking right lane.

University Avenue

It starts as TWO lanes then changes to three. Just because you know it's changing to three soon, doesn't mean you can just drive down the middle of the two lanes. If you're confused as to the change, notice those cute white dotted lines painted on the road. It's a fun thing we're trying to keep traffic in control.

Don't try to race me by turning up your ghetto music

Yes, my car is fabulous and race-worthy. No, your pounding bass and raised eyebrows do not make me want to waste gas by speeding ahead of you. Have you SEEN how much gas is these days? Back off.

Sidewalks are for pedestrians

OK this isn't really for drivers. But, last week I was driving downtown and there was a man walking slowly toward me in the middle of my lane. I didn't slow down right away in hopes that he'd freak out and jump to the curb at the thought of being flipped up on to my windsheld. But alas, he was fearless. I had to change lanes to avoid not a dead animal body, pile of glass or a slow truck but a sauntering pedestrian.

Needles

So yesterday was less than fun but I survived. The worst was when the nurse couldn't get the plastic tube into my vein for the first IV, and I bled all over the bed. Then they sprayed this nasty crap in the back of my throat so it was numb. That's the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later alarmed that there was a person next to me sleeping.

Someone took me in a wheelchair to the CT scan place. I had to drink barium contrast. In between each bottle of it, I curled up on the couch and slept. Everytime the radiologist came out to give me bottles, he had to wake me up. Then IV No. 2, which went in without any digging.Then I went home and slept for six hours.

Today my throat hurts, but I'll be better soon hopefully. After all that do they know what's wrong with me yet? No.

Body invasion

Tomorrow is my upper endoscopy and CT scan. The real name for an upper endo is esophagogastroduodenoscopy. Basically they are going to stick a tube with a camera on the end down my throat to look at my throat, GI tract, stomach and small instestine. They'll also take biopsies. I am hoping the IV works better than it did for my colonoscopy. Oh yes, and they will do a sigmoidoscopy, which is like a half colonoscopy plus biopsies.

MK will come and listen to what the doctor says because last time he tried to talk to me when I was still drugged and I remember nothing. Then I go to a different part of the hospital for the CT scan.

Things you should never say unless you mean it

1. I know how you feel.
- This should never be said and is the phrase the prompted this post. You do not know how they feel even if you've had a similar experience. This is like someone saying "I know how you feel" when I am worried about going to the hospital Thursday or what my diagnosis will be. Really? Do you know how it feels to have a tube jammed down your throat and then told you have an chronic autoimmune disease that will change your life? No, I didn't think so.

2. We should get together soon. I'll call you.
- Or maybe you mean, "let's have lunch in 10 years." I have been having this conversation with several of my elementary school friends for years. We still haven't gotten together but every time we randomly bump into each other, one of us says this.

3. I love you.
- Just don't.

4. It's not you, it's me.
- It probably is you. I am just trying to be nice and make you not go into deep depression because you think you are a fuck up. But most likely, you are.

5. Congratulations.
- Probably don't mean it if you beat me out for a job or anything else I wanted to get instead of you. However, if you are getting married or having a baby, I probably do mean it because I am glad I am not you. Or maybe I just like you and want you to be happy.

6. I still want to be friends.
- No, you don't. And if you do, you're either insane or naiive.

7. I think we should take a break.
- This means "let's have a slow and painful break up because I am too wimpy to break up with you." Like you want anyone in your life who is that weak anyway.

8. Keep in touch.
- Only can be said to people you actually want to see again. Otherwise it's just really annoying when they do keep in touch.

9. I'll get back to you on that.
- Really means: " I have no idea how to answer that question so I am going to go back to my office and never get back to you." No one ever forgets you said this though. It'd be better and more funny if everyone said "I have no idea and I am not even going to try and find out."

10. It'll be OK.
- Unless you are fixing it or have a magic life wand, you have no idea if it's going to be OK. Who are you to be spreading false hope around? As soon as you tell them this, their boyfriend will break up with them, they will total their car and their apartment will burn down and there is no renter's insurance. Maybe you should just shut up if you feel the need to say this.

Sarah and a baby

I got to see Nicole's baby, Haven. What a cutie!

I hate the hospital

This is what I have to do Thursday. See that tube? Yeah, that's going down my throat and down my whole body.

After that I am going to drink contrast and then get a cat scan.

She won't last long here

My friend's dad does a special personality analysis with all employees and job candidates to see where they would fit best in his company. Some people's personalities led better to desk clerks, maids, managers, CEOs, etc.

As expected, my personality is extreme.

Strongest behaviors: Intense proactivity and aggressiveness in reaching goals, strongly independent, forceful, incredibly strong sense of urgency, constant motion, unable to do routine work, pursues innovative ideas, remarkably independent, resists authority.

Summary: "Sarah is a confident, independent self-starter with competitive drive, initiateive, a sense of urgency and the ablility to make decisions... She has confident in her ability to handle novel problems and people. She is outging, poised, lively communicator, tending to be more authoritative than persuasive. Talks briskly with assurance and conviction... firm, direct, self-assured ... she will become impatient and restless working repetitively. Sarah will delegate authority, limiting such delegation to people in whom she has high confidence. She makes decisions about people and siutations quickly... comfortable acting even in absence of incomplete information... Looks for opportunities to compete and win."

My self-concept (how I am expected to act) was a mirror image of my real personality, which A's dad called "disconcerting." Meaning, I need a new job. See "restless" above.

I know what you want

Today is the happiest day of my life. When Mary Kate and I went to Starbucks this morning, the guy knew what we wanted without asking. He is my hero.

This is also the same guy last week who scoffed at me for ordering Mocha Light frappacino WITH whipped cream. However, we called him out on it, and he apologized and said he'd try to stop making faces at me ;)

I have now established I am an important person. At Starbucks.

Just a regular Monday...

"Want a punch in the head to keep you awake? If you do i don't have the energy anyway."

M: "Yes, Joe Mauer just stole second. And Hunter is up. This is good news."

Me: Seriously, They hate me for some unknown reason."
M: Probably the same reason everyone else hates you. Your beauty."

"He's so fucking stupid. Just quit."

"No one who still wears Abercrombie shirts is allowed to have children. That's the new law."

M: It's OK to rollerblade naked as long as you're hot.
S: Well, I have some love handles so I am probably out.
M; Oh god, shut up, you do not.
S: Have you seen me naked? no.
M: Um...Uh...No. Yeah, no. Got confused about the right answer there."

M: I want to hit something.
S: Like what?
M: A wall, or someone's face.

One year later

Tomorrow some of my friends officially graduate from college, which means it's been a whole year since I graduated. Yikes. Since then I have:

- Had two jobs with salaries. Three part-time jobs.

- After those jobs, changed my mind completely on what I want to do with my life.

- Lived in three states - Kansas, Iowa and Minnesota

- Traveled to Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay, Nashville, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City

- Went to bars (sans Iowa) a lot and ended up making out a lot (sans Iowa). Threw up on Jo's shoes.

- Met some crazy people including one who didn't know if Bush was a Republican or Democrat, one who went into therapy because I didn't love him back, a Star Trek fanatic and ninja-lovers.

- Lost one of my best friends.

- Got my wisdom teeth out. Got two dry sockets. Itched like a drug addict from percocets.

- Went to the emergency room twice, including once at an airport.

- Found out that most of my college education mattered for nothing.

Rollerblading

I rollerbladed nine miles yesterday.

Like the old people

9 a.m. Mary Kate drops me off at Endoscopy Center. I sit in waiting room with the old people. One man goes on about how he drove a tank in Germany in WWII. I half listen and half read about makeup.

9:30 a.m. Male nurse takes me for an IV. Comments on how small/young I am. Accurately guesses my weight even though I lost seven pounds in 24 hours because of the fun preparations. Man can't find good enough vein my hand causing me to get so dizzy and faint that I have to lie with my head lowered.

9:45 a.m. Move to other room with loud machines, TV screens and scary tubes. Nurse explains everything. Doctor comes in along with a pre-med student who is going to observe. Damn teaching hospitals.

10ish a.m.: Start giving me narcotics and sedatives, half doses because I am small. Medicine burns my veins when it goes in. I feel like I chugged a beer fast but that's it. Doctor comments I am still wide awake so they give me more drugs.

Sometime later: More drugs because I am cringing and making "this hurts" noises. I can see my insides on the TV screen. It's just pink and frankly I am a little disappointed there isn't more to look at. Doctor said a lot of stuff but I have no memory of what. I am wondering why he would choose this as a profession but I can't get through the drugged fog to ask him.

Later: No memory.

Recovery room: Wake up there. Two nurses come in, both look at my chart and comment on how many drugs I had. Doctor comes in to tell me stuff that I can't remember because I was too drugged. I am sleeping and wake up when Mary Kate walks in. They give me cranberry apple juice. First real food/drink I've had in over 24 hours. I make the doctor come back to answer my questions.

Noon: I eat lasagne, bread and about 1,200 glasses of water. Then I sleep. A lot. Remember less of what I did before I took the nap.

Prom night

This is my little sister Layne on her prom night. Isn't she the most gorgeous, intelligent girl, ever? I am so proud.

Friday night

Best quotes from my Friday night:

"I am over 9/11."

"You don't see a lot of trust fund babies in the Army... was that really loud?"

"Do you have that feeling that if we let that conversation go 20 more seconds someone would have come over and told us to keep it down?"

"What are those?
Crunchy rolls with shrimp.
Wow, they are really beautiful."

"We just need jams!"

"We could have just done shots of vodka, and it would have tasted better than this."

"I was at Taco Bell and the guy said how are you? I said, fine, how are you? He said bien. I drove off because what the fuck is that? We only speak English in America."

"Normally I don't like them because they are small, but I really like my boobs today."

"Look! Another reason to leave work early ... like we need one."

Sickening

"I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English." - George W. Bush

You should all learn English, wear Abercombie shorts, eat apple pie and steaks and decorate your house in red, white and blue.

We're America, and we're the greatest country in the world. Be like us.

Gross.

Cheap thrills

The Minneapolis alternative paper, City Pages, published their "Best of" list this week. Most of them are restaurants, places to be dumped, etc. However, one that's getting a lot of press is Best Cheap Thrill: Crystal meth. I think it's funny. Others, not so much.

For some background, City Pages is an alternative weekly. It is not claiming to be as legitimate or journalistic as the Pi Press or Strib.

Last night Fox local news had a former meth addict who was almost in tears because she was so upset by this list. Right. Because City Pages names meth as both cheap and thrill-like, this mother is going to fall back into her drug habits. She'll probably start making meth in her basement next to the tricycles and stuffed teddy bears.

Also drug rehab people are super pissed. I can only assume they pass out City Pages editions to their patients who once seeing it made the annual best of list, will promptly check out of rehab and begin looking for this cheap thrill. I mean, they were just into crack. Who knew of this meth thing that is so cheap and easy to make!

Also on the City Pages list: "Best career move: Kirby Puckett." Yeah, he died.

San Francisco

Lombard Street

Golden Gate Bridge

Sigh, I want to move here

MK and I


Welcome to Alcatraz

Low

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

Where am I?

I am in San Francisco but haven't left the hotel except walking half a block to Starbucks.

Dinner tonight is my first hope of escape. That's the life of a working girl.

I HATE Kansas

Hi, I am from Kansas. I think scientists are lying about the age of the Earth, I think sexual activity under 16 is a crime and I definitely don't know how to use a condom or any other contraceptive.

Or at least that's what everything thinks when I have to admit that yes, I grew up and was educated in Kansas. I figure if I live in another state long enough, I can stop claiming Kansas.

Earlier this year, the Kansas Board of Education voted to have sex ed class be an opt-in activity. That means your parents have to sign a permission slip for you to practice putting a condom on a banana. Students have a hard enough time remembering to get slips signed for field trips they are excited about, let alone a class. Plus the parents who aren't signing the slips are the ones who are uninvolved in their child's life and probably the kids who are more likely to engage in behaviors that they need sex ed the most.

Oh but it gets better. Not only do we Kansans apparently think you need permission to learn safe sex, we also won't be teaching you safe sex, just how to not have it. We don't care that studies show kids who pledge to abstain are more unprepared and more likely to get STDs or pregnant when they break their pledge.

But now, the Kansas BOE is trying to make it so districts who don't focus on abstinence-only education will risk their accreditation.

In the Kansas City Star: "Martin said she just wants Kansas schools to present the facts. She said she would leave it up to local districts to choose whether to talk about more controversial topics such as contraceptives, homosexuality or masturbation."

God forbid Kansas kids actually learn that there is way to have sex and not get pregnant every time and that gay people walk the streets of America daily! And oh the evils of masturbation!

We even went so far as to make sex against the law if you are under 16 years of age even if it's between consenting peers.

Even better from Attorney General Phill Kline: "Is oral sex performed by a boy a reportable crime? Yes, said Kline. Oral sex performed by a girl? ''I'm not certain," he said.

It's OK to get a blowjob in Kansas if you're 12. But if you're a girl, no fun. Unless Phill Kline thinks blowjobs are fun.

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down - moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!" - Samantha, Sex and the City.

Life's moments

Funniest moment: Coming out of J.Scott's house with Jesse who was taking me home despite my slurred complaints that Ryan was the one who needed a ride home because he was too drunk to drive. Meanwhile I drank way too much in a short amount of time due to the evil game of Fuck Your Neighbor. As Jesse was leading me down the steep yard to his car my response was "I am fine. I am probably fine" even though I had to grip his hand to stand up straight.

Most angry moment: Standing in front of 200 screaming minorities on K-State's campus telling us that we are racist for not covering a conference. Even though we did. And even though I didn't even know what most of the racist jokes they referred to even meant further proving my innonence. Then watching the WWRG rally on campus. Then reading the troll's letter. Then hearing Bin Bosco say he didn't care about the First Amendment.

Happiest moment: When everyone stood up and clapped when I received the College Press Freedom Award knowing that everything you've gone through (see above) was worth it and you might have inspired someone to keep fighting. Also, beating Hooker in our drink-off.

Saddest moment: Realizing that the best friend you used to have doesn't exist anymore.

Most confused moment: Waking up on Johanna's bathroom floor with Jesse in the living room and Jo in her bed. Different confusion- last summer and continuous confusion of what I want to do with my life. Also, almost anything involving J, the antichrist.

Most surreal moment: Standing at the top of the Vatican looking down over Rome's red rooftops and realizing how small I was in a very big world. Feeling God at the most desperate times in my life.

Most looked forward to moment: When I meet my future husband. When I find a job that I know is my life's calling. When it's 80 degrees. When move to DC/NYC/Boston/Chicago. San Francisco in two days. When I am satisfied with my life.

Moment best forgotten: Times when I compromised who I was for someone else or let my happiness depend on someone other than me.

- Most of my blog topics come from Edie's response to my emails of "I need a blog topic."

Blood

I am becoming a superstar blood test taker

Today this man had to steal three viles of my blood. I actually was brave enough to sneak a peek at the needle and viles filling up but eventually had to return my gaze to the wall opposite my arm. I even had a conversation with the lab tech which included the fast fact that I wasn't the only person at the lab today that was bleeding slow. It took me more than two minutes to fill the viles. Sick.

I still have marks where the tape that was on my IV last week pulled off skin. It didn't hurt but I look like a criss-crossed weirdo.

Another IV is coming May 4.

I need a hug.

Feta cheese, Twins game and an Audi

I stole this. Because I am bored and feeling strongly about nothing today at least that's blog worthy.

Maybe I should....
go wash my hands because they are a little sticky from the ice cream I just ate.

I love...
God, friends, family, 75-degree weather, eel sushi, Indian curry, haircuts, writing, feta cheese, new clothes, my bed, Macs, getting stuff in the mail, tulips, traveling, blue eyes, summer rain, The West Wing and my hooker boots

I don't understand ...
anything spatial.

I lose...
my patience often.

People say I'm...
short, fabulous, cute, funny, intimidating, talking too much.

Love is ...
good.

Somewhere, someone...
is doing something way more exciting.

I will always...
wonder if I would be happier doing something different.

Forever is...
usually not forever.

I never want to ...
drown in the ocean.

I think the current President is ...
unable to lead responsibly.

When I woke up this morning...
I went back to sleep.

I get annoyed when ...
people don't know they suck.

Kisses are the worst when ...
they are from someone gross.

Tomorrow I'm going to...
go to the doctor, lawyer and a Twins game.

I really want...
to start going to the gym. An Ipod. A new laptop. Brown sandals. Chipotle.

I have low tolerance for people who ...
make bad decisions and then wonder why their life is out of control.

If I had a million dollars ...
buy an Audi, pay off my bills, buy out Banana Republic and Express.

Lou, I hate you

"I believe the issues are too important to feign any kind of neutrality, or pretend to some objectivity that simply doesn't
exist. I'm not one of those journalists who's interested in doing he-said-she-said journalism. You know as a journalist, the truth is not about fair and balanced." - Lou Dobbs, CNN.

Too soon?

The United 93 movie trailers are being shown now in movie theaters. Some theaters have cancelled the preview because viewers were complaining that it was just too soon for a 9/11 movie or that the trailer was too upsetting.

9/11 will most likely be the most defining moment in this generation's life. We will all remember where we were when we heard and how we sat in front of the TV for the next week transfixed by that awful video of a commerical plane hitting the second tower. What will always be burned in my mind is the photo, run broadsheet-length, in the San Jose Merc News of people jumping.

It's been five years, and Hollywood is ready to try out a movie. I don't think it's wrong. I'll go see it when it comes out at the end of this month. I will go knowing that I will cry a lot and probably feel sick to my stomach. But making the movie any less than real would seem to dishonor the horror and tragedy of that day.

It could be a good thing. It's not as if we could ever forget that day, but maybe it will help us remember just how horrible it was. How much have we really done to prevent 9/11 from happening again? Does taking off our shoes while going through airport security and banning knitting needles from carry-on bags really make us that much safer?

If I were a New Yorker, though, and naiively went to see "The Inside Man" only to be shocked by a vivid reminder of how my friends died, would I feel differently? Probably.

But my guess is there are vivid reminders every single day, and this movie won't make gettting over 9/11 any better or worse.

As incompetent as they come

I am here to report that emergency roooms are nothing like the depict on Grey's Anatomy or E.R. or even Chicago Hope when that was still a show. There is no sex in the stock room because I am pretty sure most of those people are not having sex. There is no witty quips during a diagnosis or dramatic moral lessons at the end.

At first, I thought perhaps my experience would be Grey's worthy because I had to sign in with a triage nurse and the word "triage" just sounds TV-worthy. But no. Instead I am holed up in the rooms that are just really curtains. A third person asks all my symptoms and history and writes the same things on the same sheet. "Do you think I am making this up?"

My first "doctor" is really just a resident of some kind comes in wiht this HUGE zit on his forehead that makes me think he is dirty - a totally unfair accusation but I cannot be held accountable for my thoughts while in a emergency room. This guy asks me my entire history again, which I can only assume means he can't read my chart. After awhile he starts saying things like "Hmm..." and rolling his eyes to the top of his head. He then proceeds to ask me if I am sure that I am not just having my period. What I wantd to say but didn't: "Idiot. I am 23, I have been doing this "period" thing for quite some time now. Ten years in fact; that's 120 periods. I know what one is." So after determing it's not that, he goes to "get his boss." Comforting.

My nurse comes in and makes a bunch of Kansas jokes about Auntie Em and Toto. Then she puts in my IV which is painless but my veins are apparently so good that when she's trying to get a blood sample after the catheter is in I look over and see my blood spurting out like a fountain. She takes a blanket from my bed to clean it up because it's all over the floor. I do everything I can not to pass out.

After some icky stuff, I have to get a cat scan. I drink this dirty water that makes my organs glow (think Erin Brockovich) and the radiologist comes in and makes me recite my name and date of birth while he hides my hospital bracelet from me.

Him: "We have to check your identity."
Me: "Yeah? In case someone else really wants a cat scan?"

After the first cat scan, they inject iodine in my IV which is a different temperature than blood so it feels like a fire is going through your blood stream. Within minutes, it all collects in your bladder and feels like you peed your pants because it's so hot.

Once done, I am told my test results will be half an hour. Lies. One hour later, in which I have to listen to a toddler screaming nonstop, I buzz my nurse and ask for my results and if I can go sit somewhere else and wait. She says no they are full. I prance through the hallways in my gown with no back just to verify. Another nurse comes to try to make me give him my urine, which I have already done. He says: "Oh, I'll have to look for that." He comes back later to assure me that yes, they have found my jar of pee.

Six hours from when I arrived, I go home.

At the end of the day, the only moral lesson I could find is that if you are really sick, don't go to the ER.

Oh and saline IVs would be awesome for hangovers.

Wow, what a day

Emergency rooms for six hours suck.

So does everything they do to you there.

Daily woes of short people

I fall into the category of those vertically challenged. They found out I stopped growing when I was in 7th grade. That's just when they found out. It's quite possible my growth ended somewhere around third grade which is a more logical explanation for my current measurements.

I like being short because I get attention for it - negative and positive - and I enjoy attention. However, there are many daily activities that are much harder for us in the short club compared to you people in the average height category.

For example, unless I sit up absolutely straight I can't touch the floor while sitting at my desk. So, I am forced to curl my feet underneath me and sit on them (my most frequent pose) or sit Indian style. Both involve me taking off my shoes which is one of the first things I do in the morning after I check my work e-mail.

Other woes:

- I can't reach the the pedals on my car when I am wearing flip-flops so I have to shift with my tippy toes. This is bad for non-accident driving because the pedals get stuck between my toes and the shoe leaving me forever stuck in second gear.

- I can't reach my kitchen cabinets so I have a cooler that always sits in my kitchen that I can use to step onto the counter to get a glass or tupperware.

- If my smoke detector battery gets low and starts beeping, I have to get a chair and then stack books and magazines on it until I can reach.

- On airplanes, I usually have to ask someone to put my suitcase up in the overhead bin. I have yet to be sitting next to someone cute and not middle aged that will do this.

- I spend a lot of money with the alterations lady. On the upside, when I was getting Prom dresses I could always get whatever dress I wanted because they would make it fit by eliminating a lot of fabric.

- Being short makes you look round, hence the annoying nickname of "short round." I am not round but the potential is definitely there because short people don't have as much room to put the pizza they had at midnight.

- Nicknames like Midget, Midge, Short Round, Shorty, Little one.

Missing home

I miss smoke(less) breaks with Matt every 15 minutes and the way he agrees with everything I say when I am mad mostly because he's scared.

I miss going to the Gap every week with Jo for no reason and putting on whoreish amounts of eyeliner (she's where it all began...) and getting drunk on margaritas at Carlos while chaperoning high school kids.

I miss Nicole yelling "SARAH RICE" at the top of her lungs and hugging me tight.

I miss turkey and swiss sandwiches and the BEST Dr. Pepper in the world at Rockabelly. I miss the No. 10 at El Caz.

I miss the free Rec and working out with the old people every morning.

I miss drinking Fishbowls in 15 minutes.

I miss working somewhere I loved so much that I would stay all night if I had to.

I miss the "oh my god, I can't believe I did that" Saturday mornings.

Empathy labor pains

UPDATE
4:45 p.m. Finally. Welcome to the world Haven Ruth Coleman :)

2:34 p.m. BAAAAABY! She had a 8-lb. baby girl. "Doing great." Still don't know name.

1:18 p.m. The doctor was in the room, and it could be anytime.

My high school best friend, Nicole, is having a baby today. I talked to her on the phone last night for a long time to entertain her so she wasn't just sitting there freaking out thinking about the fact that in less than 12 hours she'd be in the worst pain of her life.

I thought I'd be a good friend this morning so while she is laying in a hospital bed cursing the fact Eve ate that damn apple, and I am typing emails peacefully at work, I decided to be empathetic and read about what's she is going through as I type this. So I read about the hormone they are giving her to induce labor. Fine, fine. Just an IV.

I move on to the stages of labor after induced. All fine, scary, but fine. I keep reading and get to the part about the episiotomy. I already know what this is. But everytime I hear about it I get queasy. So I am reading and my face is turning the color of my green shirt, and I am crossing my legs as tightly as possible apparently afraid that a obgyn might come out of no where and try to give me one.

Nicole is tougher than me. In high school, we were in charge of the StuCo blood drive. We did great with the planning and getting it done. She decides to give blood, and just like today, I try to be the supportive friend. I am holding her hand while they put the needle in and am totally fine. I am holding her hand tight and then when she starts to need a washcloth on her face because she is getting lightheaded, so do I. I end up laying on the floor next to her, still holding her hand. I just don't breathe when I am scared so getting lightheaded is a bit inevitable.

With this pattern in our friendship, I can only expect that this afternoon I will be feeling the pains of "a watermelon pushed through a garden hose" as Matt says.

Eye rolling

My parents visited this week. Although there were no coughing fits, there was indeed crying, fighting and much eye-rolling. we are all apparently in this transition phase. I am at the point of not needing my parents for emotional or financial support but would love the occasional clothing purchase or trip to the grocery store on them. They are at the point of being annoyed that I am so independent and are subconciously punishing me by never volunteering to buy me things beyond dinner.

The most frequent conversation we had was this-

Me: So, I need to make reservations. What kind of food do you want?
Parent: What is there?
Me: Everything.
Silence.
Me: So, what sounds good?
Silence.

On the up side, we went to the Mall of America where I bought pretty slingbacks and a skirt. Please notice the pronoun in front of bought.

Saturday I left to go out at 9:30. Went to Alison's and then to The Library, which is a bar near the U. Then played drunken Catch Phrase at M's friend's house. I didn't get home until 4:45 a.m. which is perfect timing for my parents to assume I am a drunken whore.

Coughing fits

My worst memory of my parents is when I was in high school. We had just had a big fight probably about something insignificant. I was up in the corner of my room crying on the phone with my boyfriend at the time. I had no doubt gotten up to my room by stomping up the stairs and slamming my door with all my might all the while exagerrating my crying by loudly sniffling and occasional "I have cried so much I am dying and it's all your fault" coughing.

I then decided I had to get out of my house. I asked my mom for the keys to her car and she told me no because I was crying so hard and shouldn't drive. After convincing her I was fine by hysterically screaming, I got the keys and went to the garage. My dad's car, which was ALWAYS parked on the top of the other side of the driveway, was of course on that night parked directly behind my mom's car but low enough on the hill so I couldn't see it. I start backing out, still hysterical and super eager to leave my house, back my mom's car right into my dad's car. Luckily, it was just a small dent, and he was about to get a new car anyway.

I can't remember how I responded but I am fairly certain it involved throwing keys on the ground, stomping back up the stairs, doubling the crying/coughing routine and not coming out of my room until I had to go to school next.

New York

Central Park




Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village


Pete and I at Avenue Q Saturday night


Quite possibly my favorite place on earth - Bryant Park


CMA awards ceremony



"Cut off as I am, it is inevitable that I should sometimes feel like a shadow walking in a shadowy world. When this happens I ask to be taken to New York City. Always I return home weary but I have the comforting certainty that mankind is real flesh and I myself am not a dream." - Midstream: My Later Life, Helen Keller

This is a Tuesday

7:15 a.m. Alarm goes off. Continue hitting snooze until 7:36 - the last possible minute I can waste.

8:05 a.m. Put Blues Clues bandaid on my thumb.

8:10 a.m. Try to leave for work but for the next 45 seconds chase Pica up and down the hallway so she won't cry all day while I am gone.

8:36 a.m. Unlock door to work because I am the first person here. Wonder why I am always late but frequently the first. Immediately put on gold crown pin that my co-worker is paying me $10 to wear everyday for a month.

10:43 a.m. Document co-workers activities on private whiteboard online. Note how his face turns red at any mention of Josh Hartnett. Same co-worker we saw with 3.2 beers in stuffed in his pocket at bar in Uptown. Speaking of Uptown, two people were shot there this weekend. This is where I live.

11:46 a.m. Talk with other co-worker about how the guy she likes has a sister that is in love with him. Proceed to talk about people we know who like incest.

12:14 p.m. Eat Lean Cuisine. Discuss with Mary Kate how we are going to move to New York and live in a closet-size apartment with nine other people.

1:06 p.m. Decide I have diabetes because I have peed too much in the last 24 hours. Watch man wash windows that are two feet from my face but he can't see me watching him because they are tinted. Awkward.

1:30 p.m. Read about Matthew Perry on thesuperficial.com. Apply to be a Kaplan tutor. Crave those french fried onion things that come in a can even though I haven't eaten them in years.

2 p.m. Continue emailing Edie and Alison every four minutes on average. Continue talking to Jo and Mary Kate online.

Text messaging is evil

I will post about New York later when I have my pictures and don't have work to do. But here's my latest text messages that make me laugh.

- "You are a tease. Don't ever text me and leave me hanging like this. I expect a full report in the morning, no matter how hungover you are. ;)"

- "What can I do? Need me to call and be the surrogate boyfriend?"

- "Im drunker than before and in queens"

- ... I'm home now with my HS friends. They want to see a picture of you (topless). Gasp!"

- "Im sorry. We don't say "gay" in Kansas."

- "They don't call you the shorter slut for nothing."

- "So I defintely puked last night when I got home."

- "Are you clubbin' tonight dawg?"

- "It's always the fat girls that eat donuts during break."

- "I hope this doesn't wake you but I need to know how long your feet are in inches."

- Most boys are. I think its because they don't know whether they are thinking with their brain or their penis. It's really very sad."

Temper tantrum

This is how I feel today. However, I did get a present in the mail, and it's only five hours until I intend to go to bed and be done with today.

Screw the Mustang, I am getting an SUV

Forty-five minutes later, I found my car. A guy drove by while I was shoveling like a midget in the snow and rolled down his window and said:
Him: "I just wanted to tell you that really sucks."
Me: "Thanks. I know."
Him: "Have you tried just backing out?"
Me (exasperated): "No. It's rear wheel drive."
Him: "Well it's a nice car in the summer."

Just as I am convinced I hate this man, he shows up with a shovel and says "My girlfriend and mother would kill me if I made fun of you and didn't help." We shovel forever and I back my car out from the curb six inches so in the morning I can get a running start over the snow the plow will leave during the night. It's a special service by the City of Minneapolis - burying my car a second time.



These are my dwarf feet that are as red as the hat (the colors are just distorted in this picture...) and frozen because I don't own snow boots. Just shoes with apparently a lot of holes.

I can't find my car

Today I got a snow day, and I am not in school! I spent the day watching Gilmore Girls on my computer and other worthless activities. However, now I want my dad because I went to see if I could find my car, and nope, it's not there. At least not visible.

Molly the Mustang sucks at large amounts of snow. My street is a partial snow emergency route. Snow emergenices last three days and Day 2 and Day 3 are no parking on my street. So, it has to be gone by 8 a.m. Seeing as how her wheels are in about 10 inches of snow, it's looking unlikely.



So now I am going to walk to the gas station a block away and hope they have a shovel. Seeing as how the snow comes up to my knees if I don't get in the deepest parts I am sure my shoveling endeavor will be successful with all that upper body strength.

My apartment:


UPDATE: Mission accomplished. The most ghetto shovel in the world was found at the gas station. It's better than walking nine blocks to the hardware store.



Now, I go dig. With snow up to my knees. Damn being short.

My life is boring

I'm really bored so I am doing this. Blame Jo for bringing me back to 5th grade.

Ten firsts:
first halloween costume: Clown with two pillows stuffed in my stomach area.
first best friend: Keith Parrott
first screen name: The one I have now.
first time to see the ocean: Maybe 7 when I went to Disneyland.
first C: High school physics. I hate you Mr. I can't even remember your name now.
first job: Plant pathology lab at K-State
first pet: Sugar and Spice the hamsters and Mittens the cat
first stuffed animal: A brown bear. Very original. My favorite was this nasty pink pony with a blue mane that was bigger than me.
first school: Co-op Preschool in Holt, Mich. Then Marlatt Elementary

Nine lasts
last hug: Ron in LA
last movie: Brokeback Mountain
last text message: Alison: "Someone just called from the Times number..... what the hell?"
last cd played: Mix from Cayte.
last bubble bath: Sometime when I was home in my parents jacuzzi tub. I miss home.
last time you cried: In Iowa. Dreadful place.
last date: Do people still date?
last time you ate something: Pita bread and hummus an hour ago.
last time you said 'I love you': My little sister Layne last night

Eight 'have you evers'
have you ever dated one of your best friends: Yes. I got new best friends.
have you ever skinny dipped: No
have you ever been on tv: Yes
have you ever lost someone you loved: Yes
have you ever been depressed: Yes
have you ever woken up and not known where you were? For a second. It was Jo's bathroom floor.
have you ever laughed so hard you peed your pants: Yes
have you ever been in love?: Yes

Seven places you've been
Italy, Denmark, Guatemala, Argentina, Paraguay, Brazil, Topeka

Six things you did yesterday
Got bit in the face by my cat, walked a block to my car, laughed til I cried at work, ate pudding, edited two stories for people, got a check for $1,597.

Five things in no particular order
computer, hair clip, sushi, Fossil, Dilbert

Four people you can tell anything to
Jo, Matt, Alison, Edie

Three wishes
1) a job that makes me happy
2) Greece
3) abs

Two things you want to do before you die
Live abroad, inspire someone

One thing you regret
Not being strong enough to let go when it was time

Hilarity ensues

This is the funniest Web site I have EVER read. I actually cried at work.

http://www.juvalamu.com/qmarks/


Runner up: http://literally.barelyfitz.com/

Particulary the one with the kid who "literally coughed his head off."

If this love can't last, what can?

Tragedy has struck. Travis and Sarah broke up. Apparently the Paris romance didn't translate so well to Nashville. I mean, I was sure they were truly soulmates and destined to be together. After all, Travis did fill the empty spaces in Sarah's heart. Tears.

Luckily they plan to be BFFs. "Through this time, we realized that it was a great experience in Paris and that we're so lucky to have met one another in Paris, and we'll never forget that," Sarah Stone said. "And we both agree and know that we'll be friends forever."

It's my country, and I'll burn what I want to

Once again, Bill Frist is trying to hold me back from burning U.S. flags. I have never actually done this but I want the right if I feel so inclined. If say, for example, I was annoyed that Bush and his Patriot Act are oppressing me as an American citizen, I would like to have the choice of burning the flag in protest rather than doing something rash like burning down the White House. That comment probably got me on the Do Not Fly list. Score.

We can't be high and mighty America if we demand blind loyalty from our citizens. That's what they do in places like Iraq. If we became like Iraq, we'd eventually have to invade ourselves, which could definitely get tricky.

You can't have the First Amendment and a democratic government if you are only allowed to do things that don't hurt people's feelings. Burning a flag doesn't hurt anybody. It's just a flag. It's a symbol of freedom and liberty, yes, but if you don't think the government is providing those things the first thing you would do is burn the symbol.

I would think we could concentrate on more important things like global warming, health care, improving relations with the rest of the world and ensuring our public officials aren't shooting people. But no, as long as Old Glory is protected from flames the United States will be a better place.

Cabbies

I am on a listserv that has now produced about five million responses about cabs in New York. "Are there cabs at point X?" is about the stupidest question to ask about NYC. Have these people not seen movies? There are cabs everywhere! Also, they keep asking about how to find legit cabs. I know "The Bone Collector" was a pretty freaking scary movie, but it was just a movie. Denzel will save you from scary third-world New York City so just calm down.

This is all contributing to my I-hate-Mondays-my-back-and-neck-are-killng-me-I-only-had-Jell-O-for-lunch mood.

Back from LA

I am horrifying. :)

Amended: I am not horrifying. I should just stop embarassing myself with drunken confessions. Like my favorite "My ceiling is spinning."



Highlights from LA

- Fuck me boots work.
- I can still make good choices despite my tendency to say things like "cuddle" when I am drunk.
- Lots of good food especially that endive thing. Saturday night I went to this Mexican restaurant and had the best chicken quesadillas on the planet.
- Dipping my numb feet into the ocean
- Drinking like I think I can actually still drink
- David Sedaris play in Hollywood called "The Book of Liz"
- The view from Hollywood Hills
- Eating a churro on Olivera Street by myself

And the best: Our keynote speaker on Sunday was a national writer with the AP. She was giving this inspiring talk when her cell phone goes off ... "Since you've been gone." Oh, Kelly Clarkson. You always make such an entrance.

Sunny California

I am off to LA this morning for a national newspaper conference. I'll be working most of the time but I'll have today and Sunday to see something. Plus, Ron will be there so I can hang out with him. It's a FOUR hour flight to LA. Ick.

On Sunday I am going to try to see the setup for the Oscars. If that fails, I'll act out Pretty Woman scenes on Hollywood Boulevard or Rodeo Drive. Maybe I'll get discovered and then be back to collect my own Oscar next year.