I HATE Kansas

Hi, I am from Kansas. I think scientists are lying about the age of the Earth, I think sexual activity under 16 is a crime and I definitely don't know how to use a condom or any other contraceptive.

Or at least that's what everything thinks when I have to admit that yes, I grew up and was educated in Kansas. I figure if I live in another state long enough, I can stop claiming Kansas.

Earlier this year, the Kansas Board of Education voted to have sex ed class be an opt-in activity. That means your parents have to sign a permission slip for you to practice putting a condom on a banana. Students have a hard enough time remembering to get slips signed for field trips they are excited about, let alone a class. Plus the parents who aren't signing the slips are the ones who are uninvolved in their child's life and probably the kids who are more likely to engage in behaviors that they need sex ed the most.

Oh but it gets better. Not only do we Kansans apparently think you need permission to learn safe sex, we also won't be teaching you safe sex, just how to not have it. We don't care that studies show kids who pledge to abstain are more unprepared and more likely to get STDs or pregnant when they break their pledge.

But now, the Kansas BOE is trying to make it so districts who don't focus on abstinence-only education will risk their accreditation.

In the Kansas City Star: "Martin said she just wants Kansas schools to present the facts. She said she would leave it up to local districts to choose whether to talk about more controversial topics such as contraceptives, homosexuality or masturbation."

God forbid Kansas kids actually learn that there is way to have sex and not get pregnant every time and that gay people walk the streets of America daily! And oh the evils of masturbation!

We even went so far as to make sex against the law if you are under 16 years of age even if it's between consenting peers.

Even better from Attorney General Phill Kline: "Is oral sex performed by a boy a reportable crime? Yes, said Kline. Oral sex performed by a girl? ''I'm not certain," he said.

It's OK to get a blowjob in Kansas if you're 12. But if you're a girl, no fun. Unless Phill Kline thinks blowjobs are fun.

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down - moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!" - Samantha, Sex and the City.