Friday night

Best quotes from my Friday night:

"I am over 9/11."

"You don't see a lot of trust fund babies in the Army... was that really loud?"

"Do you have that feeling that if we let that conversation go 20 more seconds someone would have come over and told us to keep it down?"

"What are those?
Crunchy rolls with shrimp.
Wow, they are really beautiful."

"We just need jams!"

"We could have just done shots of vodka, and it would have tasted better than this."

"I was at Taco Bell and the guy said how are you? I said, fine, how are you? He said bien. I drove off because what the fuck is that? We only speak English in America."

"Normally I don't like them because they are small, but I really like my boobs today."

"Look! Another reason to leave work early ... like we need one."

Sickening

"I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English." - George W. Bush

You should all learn English, wear Abercombie shorts, eat apple pie and steaks and decorate your house in red, white and blue.

We're America, and we're the greatest country in the world. Be like us.

Gross.

Cheap thrills

The Minneapolis alternative paper, City Pages, published their "Best of" list this week. Most of them are restaurants, places to be dumped, etc. However, one that's getting a lot of press is Best Cheap Thrill: Crystal meth. I think it's funny. Others, not so much.

For some background, City Pages is an alternative weekly. It is not claiming to be as legitimate or journalistic as the Pi Press or Strib.

Last night Fox local news had a former meth addict who was almost in tears because she was so upset by this list. Right. Because City Pages names meth as both cheap and thrill-like, this mother is going to fall back into her drug habits. She'll probably start making meth in her basement next to the tricycles and stuffed teddy bears.

Also drug rehab people are super pissed. I can only assume they pass out City Pages editions to their patients who once seeing it made the annual best of list, will promptly check out of rehab and begin looking for this cheap thrill. I mean, they were just into crack. Who knew of this meth thing that is so cheap and easy to make!

Also on the City Pages list: "Best career move: Kirby Puckett." Yeah, he died.

San Francisco

Lombard Street

Golden Gate Bridge

Sigh, I want to move here

MK and I


Welcome to Alcatraz

Low

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

Where am I?

I am in San Francisco but haven't left the hotel except walking half a block to Starbucks.

Dinner tonight is my first hope of escape. That's the life of a working girl.

I HATE Kansas

Hi, I am from Kansas. I think scientists are lying about the age of the Earth, I think sexual activity under 16 is a crime and I definitely don't know how to use a condom or any other contraceptive.

Or at least that's what everything thinks when I have to admit that yes, I grew up and was educated in Kansas. I figure if I live in another state long enough, I can stop claiming Kansas.

Earlier this year, the Kansas Board of Education voted to have sex ed class be an opt-in activity. That means your parents have to sign a permission slip for you to practice putting a condom on a banana. Students have a hard enough time remembering to get slips signed for field trips they are excited about, let alone a class. Plus the parents who aren't signing the slips are the ones who are uninvolved in their child's life and probably the kids who are more likely to engage in behaviors that they need sex ed the most.

Oh but it gets better. Not only do we Kansans apparently think you need permission to learn safe sex, we also won't be teaching you safe sex, just how to not have it. We don't care that studies show kids who pledge to abstain are more unprepared and more likely to get STDs or pregnant when they break their pledge.

But now, the Kansas BOE is trying to make it so districts who don't focus on abstinence-only education will risk their accreditation.

In the Kansas City Star: "Martin said she just wants Kansas schools to present the facts. She said she would leave it up to local districts to choose whether to talk about more controversial topics such as contraceptives, homosexuality or masturbation."

God forbid Kansas kids actually learn that there is way to have sex and not get pregnant every time and that gay people walk the streets of America daily! And oh the evils of masturbation!

We even went so far as to make sex against the law if you are under 16 years of age even if it's between consenting peers.

Even better from Attorney General Phill Kline: "Is oral sex performed by a boy a reportable crime? Yes, said Kline. Oral sex performed by a girl? ''I'm not certain," he said.

It's OK to get a blowjob in Kansas if you're 12. But if you're a girl, no fun. Unless Phill Kline thinks blowjobs are fun.

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down - moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!" - Samantha, Sex and the City.

Life's moments

Funniest moment: Coming out of J.Scott's house with Jesse who was taking me home despite my slurred complaints that Ryan was the one who needed a ride home because he was too drunk to drive. Meanwhile I drank way too much in a short amount of time due to the evil game of Fuck Your Neighbor. As Jesse was leading me down the steep yard to his car my response was "I am fine. I am probably fine" even though I had to grip his hand to stand up straight.

Most angry moment: Standing in front of 200 screaming minorities on K-State's campus telling us that we are racist for not covering a conference. Even though we did. And even though I didn't even know what most of the racist jokes they referred to even meant further proving my innonence. Then watching the WWRG rally on campus. Then reading the troll's letter. Then hearing Bin Bosco say he didn't care about the First Amendment.

Happiest moment: When everyone stood up and clapped when I received the College Press Freedom Award knowing that everything you've gone through (see above) was worth it and you might have inspired someone to keep fighting. Also, beating Hooker in our drink-off.

Saddest moment: Realizing that the best friend you used to have doesn't exist anymore.

Most confused moment: Waking up on Johanna's bathroom floor with Jesse in the living room and Jo in her bed. Different confusion- last summer and continuous confusion of what I want to do with my life. Also, almost anything involving J, the antichrist.

Most surreal moment: Standing at the top of the Vatican looking down over Rome's red rooftops and realizing how small I was in a very big world. Feeling God at the most desperate times in my life.

Most looked forward to moment: When I meet my future husband. When I find a job that I know is my life's calling. When it's 80 degrees. When move to DC/NYC/Boston/Chicago. San Francisco in two days. When I am satisfied with my life.

Moment best forgotten: Times when I compromised who I was for someone else or let my happiness depend on someone other than me.

- Most of my blog topics come from Edie's response to my emails of "I need a blog topic."

Blood

I am becoming a superstar blood test taker

Today this man had to steal three viles of my blood. I actually was brave enough to sneak a peek at the needle and viles filling up but eventually had to return my gaze to the wall opposite my arm. I even had a conversation with the lab tech which included the fast fact that I wasn't the only person at the lab today that was bleeding slow. It took me more than two minutes to fill the viles. Sick.

I still have marks where the tape that was on my IV last week pulled off skin. It didn't hurt but I look like a criss-crossed weirdo.

Another IV is coming May 4.

I need a hug.

Feta cheese, Twins game and an Audi

I stole this. Because I am bored and feeling strongly about nothing today at least that's blog worthy.

Maybe I should....
go wash my hands because they are a little sticky from the ice cream I just ate.

I love...
God, friends, family, 75-degree weather, eel sushi, Indian curry, haircuts, writing, feta cheese, new clothes, my bed, Macs, getting stuff in the mail, tulips, traveling, blue eyes, summer rain, The West Wing and my hooker boots

I don't understand ...
anything spatial.

I lose...
my patience often.

People say I'm...
short, fabulous, cute, funny, intimidating, talking too much.

Love is ...
good.

Somewhere, someone...
is doing something way more exciting.

I will always...
wonder if I would be happier doing something different.

Forever is...
usually not forever.

I never want to ...
drown in the ocean.

I think the current President is ...
unable to lead responsibly.

When I woke up this morning...
I went back to sleep.

I get annoyed when ...
people don't know they suck.

Kisses are the worst when ...
they are from someone gross.

Tomorrow I'm going to...
go to the doctor, lawyer and a Twins game.

I really want...
to start going to the gym. An Ipod. A new laptop. Brown sandals. Chipotle.

I have low tolerance for people who ...
make bad decisions and then wonder why their life is out of control.

If I had a million dollars ...
buy an Audi, pay off my bills, buy out Banana Republic and Express.

Lou, I hate you

"I believe the issues are too important to feign any kind of neutrality, or pretend to some objectivity that simply doesn't
exist. I'm not one of those journalists who's interested in doing he-said-she-said journalism. You know as a journalist, the truth is not about fair and balanced." - Lou Dobbs, CNN.

Too soon?

The United 93 movie trailers are being shown now in movie theaters. Some theaters have cancelled the preview because viewers were complaining that it was just too soon for a 9/11 movie or that the trailer was too upsetting.

9/11 will most likely be the most defining moment in this generation's life. We will all remember where we were when we heard and how we sat in front of the TV for the next week transfixed by that awful video of a commerical plane hitting the second tower. What will always be burned in my mind is the photo, run broadsheet-length, in the San Jose Merc News of people jumping.

It's been five years, and Hollywood is ready to try out a movie. I don't think it's wrong. I'll go see it when it comes out at the end of this month. I will go knowing that I will cry a lot and probably feel sick to my stomach. But making the movie any less than real would seem to dishonor the horror and tragedy of that day.

It could be a good thing. It's not as if we could ever forget that day, but maybe it will help us remember just how horrible it was. How much have we really done to prevent 9/11 from happening again? Does taking off our shoes while going through airport security and banning knitting needles from carry-on bags really make us that much safer?

If I were a New Yorker, though, and naiively went to see "The Inside Man" only to be shocked by a vivid reminder of how my friends died, would I feel differently? Probably.

But my guess is there are vivid reminders every single day, and this movie won't make gettting over 9/11 any better or worse.

As incompetent as they come

I am here to report that emergency roooms are nothing like the depict on Grey's Anatomy or E.R. or even Chicago Hope when that was still a show. There is no sex in the stock room because I am pretty sure most of those people are not having sex. There is no witty quips during a diagnosis or dramatic moral lessons at the end.

At first, I thought perhaps my experience would be Grey's worthy because I had to sign in with a triage nurse and the word "triage" just sounds TV-worthy. But no. Instead I am holed up in the rooms that are just really curtains. A third person asks all my symptoms and history and writes the same things on the same sheet. "Do you think I am making this up?"

My first "doctor" is really just a resident of some kind comes in wiht this HUGE zit on his forehead that makes me think he is dirty - a totally unfair accusation but I cannot be held accountable for my thoughts while in a emergency room. This guy asks me my entire history again, which I can only assume means he can't read my chart. After awhile he starts saying things like "Hmm..." and rolling his eyes to the top of his head. He then proceeds to ask me if I am sure that I am not just having my period. What I wantd to say but didn't: "Idiot. I am 23, I have been doing this "period" thing for quite some time now. Ten years in fact; that's 120 periods. I know what one is." So after determing it's not that, he goes to "get his boss." Comforting.

My nurse comes in and makes a bunch of Kansas jokes about Auntie Em and Toto. Then she puts in my IV which is painless but my veins are apparently so good that when she's trying to get a blood sample after the catheter is in I look over and see my blood spurting out like a fountain. She takes a blanket from my bed to clean it up because it's all over the floor. I do everything I can not to pass out.

After some icky stuff, I have to get a cat scan. I drink this dirty water that makes my organs glow (think Erin Brockovich) and the radiologist comes in and makes me recite my name and date of birth while he hides my hospital bracelet from me.

Him: "We have to check your identity."
Me: "Yeah? In case someone else really wants a cat scan?"

After the first cat scan, they inject iodine in my IV which is a different temperature than blood so it feels like a fire is going through your blood stream. Within minutes, it all collects in your bladder and feels like you peed your pants because it's so hot.

Once done, I am told my test results will be half an hour. Lies. One hour later, in which I have to listen to a toddler screaming nonstop, I buzz my nurse and ask for my results and if I can go sit somewhere else and wait. She says no they are full. I prance through the hallways in my gown with no back just to verify. Another nurse comes to try to make me give him my urine, which I have already done. He says: "Oh, I'll have to look for that." He comes back later to assure me that yes, they have found my jar of pee.

Six hours from when I arrived, I go home.

At the end of the day, the only moral lesson I could find is that if you are really sick, don't go to the ER.

Oh and saline IVs would be awesome for hangovers.

Wow, what a day

Emergency rooms for six hours suck.

So does everything they do to you there.

Daily woes of short people

I fall into the category of those vertically challenged. They found out I stopped growing when I was in 7th grade. That's just when they found out. It's quite possible my growth ended somewhere around third grade which is a more logical explanation for my current measurements.

I like being short because I get attention for it - negative and positive - and I enjoy attention. However, there are many daily activities that are much harder for us in the short club compared to you people in the average height category.

For example, unless I sit up absolutely straight I can't touch the floor while sitting at my desk. So, I am forced to curl my feet underneath me and sit on them (my most frequent pose) or sit Indian style. Both involve me taking off my shoes which is one of the first things I do in the morning after I check my work e-mail.

Other woes:

- I can't reach the the pedals on my car when I am wearing flip-flops so I have to shift with my tippy toes. This is bad for non-accident driving because the pedals get stuck between my toes and the shoe leaving me forever stuck in second gear.

- I can't reach my kitchen cabinets so I have a cooler that always sits in my kitchen that I can use to step onto the counter to get a glass or tupperware.

- If my smoke detector battery gets low and starts beeping, I have to get a chair and then stack books and magazines on it until I can reach.

- On airplanes, I usually have to ask someone to put my suitcase up in the overhead bin. I have yet to be sitting next to someone cute and not middle aged that will do this.

- I spend a lot of money with the alterations lady. On the upside, when I was getting Prom dresses I could always get whatever dress I wanted because they would make it fit by eliminating a lot of fabric.

- Being short makes you look round, hence the annoying nickname of "short round." I am not round but the potential is definitely there because short people don't have as much room to put the pizza they had at midnight.

- Nicknames like Midget, Midge, Short Round, Shorty, Little one.