Things you should never say unless you mean it

1. I know how you feel.
- This should never be said and is the phrase the prompted this post. You do not know how they feel even if you've had a similar experience. This is like someone saying "I know how you feel" when I am worried about going to the hospital Thursday or what my diagnosis will be. Really? Do you know how it feels to have a tube jammed down your throat and then told you have an chronic autoimmune disease that will change your life? No, I didn't think so.

2. We should get together soon. I'll call you.
- Or maybe you mean, "let's have lunch in 10 years." I have been having this conversation with several of my elementary school friends for years. We still haven't gotten together but every time we randomly bump into each other, one of us says this.

3. I love you.
- Just don't.

4. It's not you, it's me.
- It probably is you. I am just trying to be nice and make you not go into deep depression because you think you are a fuck up. But most likely, you are.

5. Congratulations.
- Probably don't mean it if you beat me out for a job or anything else I wanted to get instead of you. However, if you are getting married or having a baby, I probably do mean it because I am glad I am not you. Or maybe I just like you and want you to be happy.

6. I still want to be friends.
- No, you don't. And if you do, you're either insane or naiive.

7. I think we should take a break.
- This means "let's have a slow and painful break up because I am too wimpy to break up with you." Like you want anyone in your life who is that weak anyway.

8. Keep in touch.
- Only can be said to people you actually want to see again. Otherwise it's just really annoying when they do keep in touch.

9. I'll get back to you on that.
- Really means: " I have no idea how to answer that question so I am going to go back to my office and never get back to you." No one ever forgets you said this though. It'd be better and more funny if everyone said "I have no idea and I am not even going to try and find out."

10. It'll be OK.
- Unless you are fixing it or have a magic life wand, you have no idea if it's going to be OK. Who are you to be spreading false hope around? As soon as you tell them this, their boyfriend will break up with them, they will total their car and their apartment will burn down and there is no renter's insurance. Maybe you should just shut up if you feel the need to say this.