Missing home

I miss smoke(less) breaks with Matt every 15 minutes and the way he agrees with everything I say when I am mad mostly because he's scared.

I miss going to the Gap every week with Jo for no reason and putting on whoreish amounts of eyeliner (she's where it all began...) and getting drunk on margaritas at Carlos while chaperoning high school kids.

I miss Nicole yelling "SARAH RICE" at the top of her lungs and hugging me tight.

I miss turkey and swiss sandwiches and the BEST Dr. Pepper in the world at Rockabelly. I miss the No. 10 at El Caz.

I miss the free Rec and working out with the old people every morning.

I miss drinking Fishbowls in 15 minutes.

I miss working somewhere I loved so much that I would stay all night if I had to.

I miss the "oh my god, I can't believe I did that" Saturday mornings.

Empathy labor pains

UPDATE
4:45 p.m. Finally. Welcome to the world Haven Ruth Coleman :)

2:34 p.m. BAAAAABY! She had a 8-lb. baby girl. "Doing great." Still don't know name.

1:18 p.m. The doctor was in the room, and it could be anytime.

My high school best friend, Nicole, is having a baby today. I talked to her on the phone last night for a long time to entertain her so she wasn't just sitting there freaking out thinking about the fact that in less than 12 hours she'd be in the worst pain of her life.

I thought I'd be a good friend this morning so while she is laying in a hospital bed cursing the fact Eve ate that damn apple, and I am typing emails peacefully at work, I decided to be empathetic and read about what's she is going through as I type this. So I read about the hormone they are giving her to induce labor. Fine, fine. Just an IV.

I move on to the stages of labor after induced. All fine, scary, but fine. I keep reading and get to the part about the episiotomy. I already know what this is. But everytime I hear about it I get queasy. So I am reading and my face is turning the color of my green shirt, and I am crossing my legs as tightly as possible apparently afraid that a obgyn might come out of no where and try to give me one.

Nicole is tougher than me. In high school, we were in charge of the StuCo blood drive. We did great with the planning and getting it done. She decides to give blood, and just like today, I try to be the supportive friend. I am holding her hand while they put the needle in and am totally fine. I am holding her hand tight and then when she starts to need a washcloth on her face because she is getting lightheaded, so do I. I end up laying on the floor next to her, still holding her hand. I just don't breathe when I am scared so getting lightheaded is a bit inevitable.

With this pattern in our friendship, I can only expect that this afternoon I will be feeling the pains of "a watermelon pushed through a garden hose" as Matt says.

Eye rolling

My parents visited this week. Although there were no coughing fits, there was indeed crying, fighting and much eye-rolling. we are all apparently in this transition phase. I am at the point of not needing my parents for emotional or financial support but would love the occasional clothing purchase or trip to the grocery store on them. They are at the point of being annoyed that I am so independent and are subconciously punishing me by never volunteering to buy me things beyond dinner.

The most frequent conversation we had was this-

Me: So, I need to make reservations. What kind of food do you want?
Parent: What is there?
Me: Everything.
Silence.
Me: So, what sounds good?
Silence.

On the up side, we went to the Mall of America where I bought pretty slingbacks and a skirt. Please notice the pronoun in front of bought.

Saturday I left to go out at 9:30. Went to Alison's and then to The Library, which is a bar near the U. Then played drunken Catch Phrase at M's friend's house. I didn't get home until 4:45 a.m. which is perfect timing for my parents to assume I am a drunken whore.

Coughing fits

My worst memory of my parents is when I was in high school. We had just had a big fight probably about something insignificant. I was up in the corner of my room crying on the phone with my boyfriend at the time. I had no doubt gotten up to my room by stomping up the stairs and slamming my door with all my might all the while exagerrating my crying by loudly sniffling and occasional "I have cried so much I am dying and it's all your fault" coughing.

I then decided I had to get out of my house. I asked my mom for the keys to her car and she told me no because I was crying so hard and shouldn't drive. After convincing her I was fine by hysterically screaming, I got the keys and went to the garage. My dad's car, which was ALWAYS parked on the top of the other side of the driveway, was of course on that night parked directly behind my mom's car but low enough on the hill so I couldn't see it. I start backing out, still hysterical and super eager to leave my house, back my mom's car right into my dad's car. Luckily, it was just a small dent, and he was about to get a new car anyway.

I can't remember how I responded but I am fairly certain it involved throwing keys on the ground, stomping back up the stairs, doubling the crying/coughing routine and not coming out of my room until I had to go to school next.

New York

Central Park




Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village


Pete and I at Avenue Q Saturday night


Quite possibly my favorite place on earth - Bryant Park


CMA awards ceremony



"Cut off as I am, it is inevitable that I should sometimes feel like a shadow walking in a shadowy world. When this happens I ask to be taken to New York City. Always I return home weary but I have the comforting certainty that mankind is real flesh and I myself am not a dream." - Midstream: My Later Life, Helen Keller

This is a Tuesday

7:15 a.m. Alarm goes off. Continue hitting snooze until 7:36 - the last possible minute I can waste.

8:05 a.m. Put Blues Clues bandaid on my thumb.

8:10 a.m. Try to leave for work but for the next 45 seconds chase Pica up and down the hallway so she won't cry all day while I am gone.

8:36 a.m. Unlock door to work because I am the first person here. Wonder why I am always late but frequently the first. Immediately put on gold crown pin that my co-worker is paying me $10 to wear everyday for a month.

10:43 a.m. Document co-workers activities on private whiteboard online. Note how his face turns red at any mention of Josh Hartnett. Same co-worker we saw with 3.2 beers in stuffed in his pocket at bar in Uptown. Speaking of Uptown, two people were shot there this weekend. This is where I live.

11:46 a.m. Talk with other co-worker about how the guy she likes has a sister that is in love with him. Proceed to talk about people we know who like incest.

12:14 p.m. Eat Lean Cuisine. Discuss with Mary Kate how we are going to move to New York and live in a closet-size apartment with nine other people.

1:06 p.m. Decide I have diabetes because I have peed too much in the last 24 hours. Watch man wash windows that are two feet from my face but he can't see me watching him because they are tinted. Awkward.

1:30 p.m. Read about Matthew Perry on thesuperficial.com. Apply to be a Kaplan tutor. Crave those french fried onion things that come in a can even though I haven't eaten them in years.

2 p.m. Continue emailing Edie and Alison every four minutes on average. Continue talking to Jo and Mary Kate online.

Text messaging is evil

I will post about New York later when I have my pictures and don't have work to do. But here's my latest text messages that make me laugh.

- "You are a tease. Don't ever text me and leave me hanging like this. I expect a full report in the morning, no matter how hungover you are. ;)"

- "What can I do? Need me to call and be the surrogate boyfriend?"

- "Im drunker than before and in queens"

- ... I'm home now with my HS friends. They want to see a picture of you (topless). Gasp!"

- "Im sorry. We don't say "gay" in Kansas."

- "They don't call you the shorter slut for nothing."

- "So I defintely puked last night when I got home."

- "Are you clubbin' tonight dawg?"

- "It's always the fat girls that eat donuts during break."

- "I hope this doesn't wake you but I need to know how long your feet are in inches."

- Most boys are. I think its because they don't know whether they are thinking with their brain or their penis. It's really very sad."

Temper tantrum

This is how I feel today. However, I did get a present in the mail, and it's only five hours until I intend to go to bed and be done with today.

Screw the Mustang, I am getting an SUV

Forty-five minutes later, I found my car. A guy drove by while I was shoveling like a midget in the snow and rolled down his window and said:
Him: "I just wanted to tell you that really sucks."
Me: "Thanks. I know."
Him: "Have you tried just backing out?"
Me (exasperated): "No. It's rear wheel drive."
Him: "Well it's a nice car in the summer."

Just as I am convinced I hate this man, he shows up with a shovel and says "My girlfriend and mother would kill me if I made fun of you and didn't help." We shovel forever and I back my car out from the curb six inches so in the morning I can get a running start over the snow the plow will leave during the night. It's a special service by the City of Minneapolis - burying my car a second time.



These are my dwarf feet that are as red as the hat (the colors are just distorted in this picture...) and frozen because I don't own snow boots. Just shoes with apparently a lot of holes.

I can't find my car

Today I got a snow day, and I am not in school! I spent the day watching Gilmore Girls on my computer and other worthless activities. However, now I want my dad because I went to see if I could find my car, and nope, it's not there. At least not visible.

Molly the Mustang sucks at large amounts of snow. My street is a partial snow emergency route. Snow emergenices last three days and Day 2 and Day 3 are no parking on my street. So, it has to be gone by 8 a.m. Seeing as how her wheels are in about 10 inches of snow, it's looking unlikely.



So now I am going to walk to the gas station a block away and hope they have a shovel. Seeing as how the snow comes up to my knees if I don't get in the deepest parts I am sure my shoveling endeavor will be successful with all that upper body strength.

My apartment:


UPDATE: Mission accomplished. The most ghetto shovel in the world was found at the gas station. It's better than walking nine blocks to the hardware store.



Now, I go dig. With snow up to my knees. Damn being short.

My life is boring

I'm really bored so I am doing this. Blame Jo for bringing me back to 5th grade.

Ten firsts:
first halloween costume: Clown with two pillows stuffed in my stomach area.
first best friend: Keith Parrott
first screen name: The one I have now.
first time to see the ocean: Maybe 7 when I went to Disneyland.
first C: High school physics. I hate you Mr. I can't even remember your name now.
first job: Plant pathology lab at K-State
first pet: Sugar and Spice the hamsters and Mittens the cat
first stuffed animal: A brown bear. Very original. My favorite was this nasty pink pony with a blue mane that was bigger than me.
first school: Co-op Preschool in Holt, Mich. Then Marlatt Elementary

Nine lasts
last hug: Ron in LA
last movie: Brokeback Mountain
last text message: Alison: "Someone just called from the Times number..... what the hell?"
last cd played: Mix from Cayte.
last bubble bath: Sometime when I was home in my parents jacuzzi tub. I miss home.
last time you cried: In Iowa. Dreadful place.
last date: Do people still date?
last time you ate something: Pita bread and hummus an hour ago.
last time you said 'I love you': My little sister Layne last night

Eight 'have you evers'
have you ever dated one of your best friends: Yes. I got new best friends.
have you ever skinny dipped: No
have you ever been on tv: Yes
have you ever lost someone you loved: Yes
have you ever been depressed: Yes
have you ever woken up and not known where you were? For a second. It was Jo's bathroom floor.
have you ever laughed so hard you peed your pants: Yes
have you ever been in love?: Yes

Seven places you've been
Italy, Denmark, Guatemala, Argentina, Paraguay, Brazil, Topeka

Six things you did yesterday
Got bit in the face by my cat, walked a block to my car, laughed til I cried at work, ate pudding, edited two stories for people, got a check for $1,597.

Five things in no particular order
computer, hair clip, sushi, Fossil, Dilbert

Four people you can tell anything to
Jo, Matt, Alison, Edie

Three wishes
1) a job that makes me happy
2) Greece
3) abs

Two things you want to do before you die
Live abroad, inspire someone

One thing you regret
Not being strong enough to let go when it was time

Hilarity ensues

This is the funniest Web site I have EVER read. I actually cried at work.

http://www.juvalamu.com/qmarks/


Runner up: http://literally.barelyfitz.com/

Particulary the one with the kid who "literally coughed his head off."

If this love can't last, what can?

Tragedy has struck. Travis and Sarah broke up. Apparently the Paris romance didn't translate so well to Nashville. I mean, I was sure they were truly soulmates and destined to be together. After all, Travis did fill the empty spaces in Sarah's heart. Tears.

Luckily they plan to be BFFs. "Through this time, we realized that it was a great experience in Paris and that we're so lucky to have met one another in Paris, and we'll never forget that," Sarah Stone said. "And we both agree and know that we'll be friends forever."

It's my country, and I'll burn what I want to

Once again, Bill Frist is trying to hold me back from burning U.S. flags. I have never actually done this but I want the right if I feel so inclined. If say, for example, I was annoyed that Bush and his Patriot Act are oppressing me as an American citizen, I would like to have the choice of burning the flag in protest rather than doing something rash like burning down the White House. That comment probably got me on the Do Not Fly list. Score.

We can't be high and mighty America if we demand blind loyalty from our citizens. That's what they do in places like Iraq. If we became like Iraq, we'd eventually have to invade ourselves, which could definitely get tricky.

You can't have the First Amendment and a democratic government if you are only allowed to do things that don't hurt people's feelings. Burning a flag doesn't hurt anybody. It's just a flag. It's a symbol of freedom and liberty, yes, but if you don't think the government is providing those things the first thing you would do is burn the symbol.

I would think we could concentrate on more important things like global warming, health care, improving relations with the rest of the world and ensuring our public officials aren't shooting people. But no, as long as Old Glory is protected from flames the United States will be a better place.

Cabbies

I am on a listserv that has now produced about five million responses about cabs in New York. "Are there cabs at point X?" is about the stupidest question to ask about NYC. Have these people not seen movies? There are cabs everywhere! Also, they keep asking about how to find legit cabs. I know "The Bone Collector" was a pretty freaking scary movie, but it was just a movie. Denzel will save you from scary third-world New York City so just calm down.

This is all contributing to my I-hate-Mondays-my-back-and-neck-are-killng-me-I-only-had-Jell-O-for-lunch mood.

Back from LA

I am horrifying. :)

Amended: I am not horrifying. I should just stop embarassing myself with drunken confessions. Like my favorite "My ceiling is spinning."



Highlights from LA

- Fuck me boots work.
- I can still make good choices despite my tendency to say things like "cuddle" when I am drunk.
- Lots of good food especially that endive thing. Saturday night I went to this Mexican restaurant and had the best chicken quesadillas on the planet.
- Dipping my numb feet into the ocean
- Drinking like I think I can actually still drink
- David Sedaris play in Hollywood called "The Book of Liz"
- The view from Hollywood Hills
- Eating a churro on Olivera Street by myself

And the best: Our keynote speaker on Sunday was a national writer with the AP. She was giving this inspiring talk when her cell phone goes off ... "Since you've been gone." Oh, Kelly Clarkson. You always make such an entrance.

Sunny California

I am off to LA this morning for a national newspaper conference. I'll be working most of the time but I'll have today and Sunday to see something. Plus, Ron will be there so I can hang out with him. It's a FOUR hour flight to LA. Ick.

On Sunday I am going to try to see the setup for the Oscars. If that fails, I'll act out Pretty Woman scenes on Hollywood Boulevard or Rodeo Drive. Maybe I'll get discovered and then be back to collect my own Oscar next year.