Blood donating failure

I tried to save three lives today and failed.

I wanted to give blood since I am feeling brave and have been poked so much lately that I figured I could get in the habit when I was used to it. Instead, I got a finger poke that hurt and then told my iron levels are waaaay to low for such things as giving away my blood. They gave me some Total cereal and told me to take Flintstone vitamins and come back in a month.

So add anemia to my list of failures. Explains why I want to sleep all the time though.

It just thundered really loud. I am fairly confident it's God striking me down saying "If you would have just eaten more red meat, three people would have been alive today."

Starbucks update

I have cut way down on my Starbucks intake but since I rollerbladed 12 miles last night, and I was still tired this morning I rationalized that I deserved it.

It was pretty busy and I had to give my order to a girl, not my usual guy that teases me about my order. So I order it and then am standing in this huge group of chatty ladies waiting for my drink. Starbucks boy, who I have named Josh just because, starts to call out my drink and sticks his head around all the machines, stops mid-sentence and says loudly, "Haha, I should have known it was you!"

To this comment, every single person in Starbucks turns and looks at me and I just grin and walk out. Half of them thought I was really cool and half were judging me because they think I go to Starbucks every single day and that's the only reason they know me.

Little does that half know, I am just really famous. At Starbucks.

Too old for this

I am too old to be celebrating 21st birthdays. There are too many shots, too much bad dancing and not feeling so great today.



My favorite picture on someone's digital is me laying on the bathroom floor (the bed was just so far) and the birthday girl sitting on top of my legs, puking in the toilet. It was an extremely proud moment.

Things I hate about opening mail

1. Those stupid mailer envelopes that have sawdust instead of bubbles to package the item. Sawdust is not a good idea. There is no way to actually open the envelope without coating yourself in that smell and the little flakes. Saving these for last prevents me from mistakenly assuming I work in a lumber store.

2. Packing peanuts: They stick to your hands so you can't get them off. For awhile, you stand over the trash can clawing at your hand but soon realize the only option is the sink. The peanuts then clog the drain.

3. Envelopes inside envelopes. It's like a funny birthday joke. Yet, not funny. And not my birthday.

4. Pull tabs: Also my favorite thing about opening mail, when they work. Usually however, some dumbface put tape over the tab so the pull tab only pulls halfway forcing you to use scissors thus voiding the pull tab's efforts.

5. The fact I even open mail on a daily basis.

All in a day's work

Remember the Enron scandal?

Corporate fraud, using companies funds for personal advancement, investigations, audits, more audits, terminations, eventual court cases.

Yeah, that happened to me last week. Or rather the company where I am currently employed.

My last three jobs have involved:

1. Me becoming the plaintiff in a federal lawsuit.

2. $50,000 cut from the program I was in charge of and a bunch of angry teens.

3. Embezzlement.

Pretty sure God is telling me to just stop working completely. Either that or I am really good at attracting trouble.

The opposite of music

Today the radio station I listen to on my way home from work had a kazoo contest. Who actually thought this was a good idea?

I have never heard anything more annoying.

Ever.

Road rules

Dear Minneapolis Drivers,

I know we mad the list as the most friendly big city to drive in, but still, we need some improvement. Please, for the love of god, stop ruining my good moods in the morning.

Do not drift into my lane.

If you want to get into my lane either turn on your signal and wait for me to brake to let you in or quickly shove your car in front of mine. Just don't drift slowly over so I have to hang back for a good mile because you are halfway over the line. I can't speed up because I have to wonder if at the moment I pass, will you suddenly decide to make your move? Just get some balls or stay in the freaking right lane.

University Avenue

It starts as TWO lanes then changes to three. Just because you know it's changing to three soon, doesn't mean you can just drive down the middle of the two lanes. If you're confused as to the change, notice those cute white dotted lines painted on the road. It's a fun thing we're trying to keep traffic in control.

Don't try to race me by turning up your ghetto music

Yes, my car is fabulous and race-worthy. No, your pounding bass and raised eyebrows do not make me want to waste gas by speeding ahead of you. Have you SEEN how much gas is these days? Back off.

Sidewalks are for pedestrians

OK this isn't really for drivers. But, last week I was driving downtown and there was a man walking slowly toward me in the middle of my lane. I didn't slow down right away in hopes that he'd freak out and jump to the curb at the thought of being flipped up on to my windsheld. But alas, he was fearless. I had to change lanes to avoid not a dead animal body, pile of glass or a slow truck but a sauntering pedestrian.

Needles

So yesterday was less than fun but I survived. The worst was when the nurse couldn't get the plastic tube into my vein for the first IV, and I bled all over the bed. Then they sprayed this nasty crap in the back of my throat so it was numb. That's the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later alarmed that there was a person next to me sleeping.

Someone took me in a wheelchair to the CT scan place. I had to drink barium contrast. In between each bottle of it, I curled up on the couch and slept. Everytime the radiologist came out to give me bottles, he had to wake me up. Then IV No. 2, which went in without any digging.Then I went home and slept for six hours.

Today my throat hurts, but I'll be better soon hopefully. After all that do they know what's wrong with me yet? No.

Body invasion

Tomorrow is my upper endoscopy and CT scan. The real name for an upper endo is esophagogastroduodenoscopy. Basically they are going to stick a tube with a camera on the end down my throat to look at my throat, GI tract, stomach and small instestine. They'll also take biopsies. I am hoping the IV works better than it did for my colonoscopy. Oh yes, and they will do a sigmoidoscopy, which is like a half colonoscopy plus biopsies.

MK will come and listen to what the doctor says because last time he tried to talk to me when I was still drugged and I remember nothing. Then I go to a different part of the hospital for the CT scan.

Things you should never say unless you mean it

1. I know how you feel.
- This should never be said and is the phrase the prompted this post. You do not know how they feel even if you've had a similar experience. This is like someone saying "I know how you feel" when I am worried about going to the hospital Thursday or what my diagnosis will be. Really? Do you know how it feels to have a tube jammed down your throat and then told you have an chronic autoimmune disease that will change your life? No, I didn't think so.

2. We should get together soon. I'll call you.
- Or maybe you mean, "let's have lunch in 10 years." I have been having this conversation with several of my elementary school friends for years. We still haven't gotten together but every time we randomly bump into each other, one of us says this.

3. I love you.
- Just don't.

4. It's not you, it's me.
- It probably is you. I am just trying to be nice and make you not go into deep depression because you think you are a fuck up. But most likely, you are.

5. Congratulations.
- Probably don't mean it if you beat me out for a job or anything else I wanted to get instead of you. However, if you are getting married or having a baby, I probably do mean it because I am glad I am not you. Or maybe I just like you and want you to be happy.

6. I still want to be friends.
- No, you don't. And if you do, you're either insane or naiive.

7. I think we should take a break.
- This means "let's have a slow and painful break up because I am too wimpy to break up with you." Like you want anyone in your life who is that weak anyway.

8. Keep in touch.
- Only can be said to people you actually want to see again. Otherwise it's just really annoying when they do keep in touch.

9. I'll get back to you on that.
- Really means: " I have no idea how to answer that question so I am going to go back to my office and never get back to you." No one ever forgets you said this though. It'd be better and more funny if everyone said "I have no idea and I am not even going to try and find out."

10. It'll be OK.
- Unless you are fixing it or have a magic life wand, you have no idea if it's going to be OK. Who are you to be spreading false hope around? As soon as you tell them this, their boyfriend will break up with them, they will total their car and their apartment will burn down and there is no renter's insurance. Maybe you should just shut up if you feel the need to say this.

Sarah and a baby

I got to see Nicole's baby, Haven. What a cutie!

I hate the hospital

This is what I have to do Thursday. See that tube? Yeah, that's going down my throat and down my whole body.

After that I am going to drink contrast and then get a cat scan.

She won't last long here

My friend's dad does a special personality analysis with all employees and job candidates to see where they would fit best in his company. Some people's personalities led better to desk clerks, maids, managers, CEOs, etc.

As expected, my personality is extreme.

Strongest behaviors: Intense proactivity and aggressiveness in reaching goals, strongly independent, forceful, incredibly strong sense of urgency, constant motion, unable to do routine work, pursues innovative ideas, remarkably independent, resists authority.

Summary: "Sarah is a confident, independent self-starter with competitive drive, initiateive, a sense of urgency and the ablility to make decisions... She has confident in her ability to handle novel problems and people. She is outging, poised, lively communicator, tending to be more authoritative than persuasive. Talks briskly with assurance and conviction... firm, direct, self-assured ... she will become impatient and restless working repetitively. Sarah will delegate authority, limiting such delegation to people in whom she has high confidence. She makes decisions about people and siutations quickly... comfortable acting even in absence of incomplete information... Looks for opportunities to compete and win."

My self-concept (how I am expected to act) was a mirror image of my real personality, which A's dad called "disconcerting." Meaning, I need a new job. See "restless" above.

I know what you want

Today is the happiest day of my life. When Mary Kate and I went to Starbucks this morning, the guy knew what we wanted without asking. He is my hero.

This is also the same guy last week who scoffed at me for ordering Mocha Light frappacino WITH whipped cream. However, we called him out on it, and he apologized and said he'd try to stop making faces at me ;)

I have now established I am an important person. At Starbucks.

Just a regular Monday...

"Want a punch in the head to keep you awake? If you do i don't have the energy anyway."

M: "Yes, Joe Mauer just stole second. And Hunter is up. This is good news."

Me: Seriously, They hate me for some unknown reason."
M: Probably the same reason everyone else hates you. Your beauty."

"He's so fucking stupid. Just quit."

"No one who still wears Abercrombie shirts is allowed to have children. That's the new law."

M: It's OK to rollerblade naked as long as you're hot.
S: Well, I have some love handles so I am probably out.
M; Oh god, shut up, you do not.
S: Have you seen me naked? no.
M: Um...Uh...No. Yeah, no. Got confused about the right answer there."

M: I want to hit something.
S: Like what?
M: A wall, or someone's face.

One year later

Tomorrow some of my friends officially graduate from college, which means it's been a whole year since I graduated. Yikes. Since then I have:

- Had two jobs with salaries. Three part-time jobs.

- After those jobs, changed my mind completely on what I want to do with my life.

- Lived in three states - Kansas, Iowa and Minnesota

- Traveled to Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay, Nashville, Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City

- Went to bars (sans Iowa) a lot and ended up making out a lot (sans Iowa). Threw up on Jo's shoes.

- Met some crazy people including one who didn't know if Bush was a Republican or Democrat, one who went into therapy because I didn't love him back, a Star Trek fanatic and ninja-lovers.

- Lost one of my best friends.

- Got my wisdom teeth out. Got two dry sockets. Itched like a drug addict from percocets.

- Went to the emergency room twice, including once at an airport.

- Found out that most of my college education mattered for nothing.

Rollerblading

I rollerbladed nine miles yesterday.

Like the old people

9 a.m. Mary Kate drops me off at Endoscopy Center. I sit in waiting room with the old people. One man goes on about how he drove a tank in Germany in WWII. I half listen and half read about makeup.

9:30 a.m. Male nurse takes me for an IV. Comments on how small/young I am. Accurately guesses my weight even though I lost seven pounds in 24 hours because of the fun preparations. Man can't find good enough vein my hand causing me to get so dizzy and faint that I have to lie with my head lowered.

9:45 a.m. Move to other room with loud machines, TV screens and scary tubes. Nurse explains everything. Doctor comes in along with a pre-med student who is going to observe. Damn teaching hospitals.

10ish a.m.: Start giving me narcotics and sedatives, half doses because I am small. Medicine burns my veins when it goes in. I feel like I chugged a beer fast but that's it. Doctor comments I am still wide awake so they give me more drugs.

Sometime later: More drugs because I am cringing and making "this hurts" noises. I can see my insides on the TV screen. It's just pink and frankly I am a little disappointed there isn't more to look at. Doctor said a lot of stuff but I have no memory of what. I am wondering why he would choose this as a profession but I can't get through the drugged fog to ask him.

Later: No memory.

Recovery room: Wake up there. Two nurses come in, both look at my chart and comment on how many drugs I had. Doctor comes in to tell me stuff that I can't remember because I was too drugged. I am sleeping and wake up when Mary Kate walks in. They give me cranberry apple juice. First real food/drink I've had in over 24 hours. I make the doctor come back to answer my questions.

Noon: I eat lasagne, bread and about 1,200 glasses of water. Then I sleep. A lot. Remember less of what I did before I took the nap.

Prom night

This is my little sister Layne on her prom night. Isn't she the most gorgeous, intelligent girl, ever? I am so proud.

Friday night

Best quotes from my Friday night:

"I am over 9/11."

"You don't see a lot of trust fund babies in the Army... was that really loud?"

"Do you have that feeling that if we let that conversation go 20 more seconds someone would have come over and told us to keep it down?"

"What are those?
Crunchy rolls with shrimp.
Wow, they are really beautiful."

"We just need jams!"

"We could have just done shots of vodka, and it would have tasted better than this."

"I was at Taco Bell and the guy said how are you? I said, fine, how are you? He said bien. I drove off because what the fuck is that? We only speak English in America."

"Normally I don't like them because they are small, but I really like my boobs today."

"Look! Another reason to leave work early ... like we need one."